Weight

anorexia, recovery

We all have weight, it’s inevitable. It’s like having eyes and a nose. We have it. Some of us differ to others and we’re all different in our own ways. Something similar amongst us though is how we use weight to define our worth.

For me, up and til this year, I weighed myself almost daily. And whilst my weight was low and I was able to control It to a degree – and my fluctuations not able to range as much as a healthy weight, it still changed as it pleased.

Would you try to control your heart rate?

No.

Why?

You can’t.

And weight, to some level, is the same as this. Our bodies are, pardon my French, weird as fuck. I went to see Michael McIntyre recently and he pointed this out – yawning? Weird AF.

Our bodies will do what they do. It’s just a part of them working and doing their job.

I can understand why we try control it, to me control feels GOOOD. Decreasing the number on the scales always felt GOOOD. With multiple O’s. But that was never helpful. Defining ourselves through weight is really just bullshit.

Post weight restoration im more of myself, personality wise, than ever.

There’s a movement going about on instagram orchestrated by Jameela Jamil, it’s called the #iweigh movement. And in it people post how much they weigh. Not in pounds, stones or kilos. But in realness, characteristics and positivities. It’s really a good movement to get behind and I’m heavily contemplating, the next time I’m asked what I weigh, to say 2 dogs, a 3 bedroom house, AMAZING pastry chef and chocolate adventurer. We’ll see how that one goes down though.

I gusss one of the points of the movement is that weight does not define our worth – WE define our worth. We define it through our trials and triumphs. Our life experiences and our ways of handling them and ourselves.

As i come to the end of my time at the Eating Disorder Clinic, my weight plays a lot on my mind.

I’m actually just under a healthy weight for where the clinic want me to be, much to my mistake. And whilst I’m allowed to go to the gym and try to tone up and gain muscle, I’m aware I need to gain weight to do that.

Am I comfortable with that? No.

But to think of it rationally, if it’s how I want my body to look then I have to look at the scales from a different perspective and realise the number doesn’t define my worth. It shows of my efforts and bids to get better, but it doesn’t define my worth.

I lived so many years having my days depend on the number on the scale. If it went up, it was a VERY bad day. And if it went down. It was an ok day. I wasn’t ever fully happy when it went down as I was scared it would go so low there was no turning back.

My question is why do we abide by scales and weight when it doesn’t really define our worth?

What do you weigh in worth, what are your triumphs and tribulations, what are your accomplishments and skills?

Truth is, I don’t care what other people weigh. I never have done. So I assume it’s quite the same for most other people.

We can’t tell how much a person weighs from looking at them, so why does the number matter?

It doesn’t.***

And that’s something, after 8 years of being in a toxic relationship with, I’m ready to break up and start afresh. But just like real toxic relationships, it’s one that just won’t let go of me so easily.

***it kind of matters for health purposes but that’s it, NOTHING more.

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