Build a bridge and get over it.
Really, it is that simple.
And by simple I mean extremely difficult and awfully painful. But in essence, its that simple.
This last week I appear to have had a slight epiphany. No-one can change me except for me.
Whilst with my weight and physical anorexia I was always aware this was something I had control over, my mental angst, anxiety and suffering was always something I relied heavily on others to soothe.
And well to be fair, that was bullshit.
I woke on Monday, emotionally hungover from another weekend of suicide threats, emotional distress and constant crying. And something I guess clicked. I needed to try to change myself. Thus far I hadn’t really tried that hard to maintain any of the techniques any therapist had taught me. So from Monday I decided to try.
I’m good at reflecting back on situations now and analysing them, so now I try to look into the situation at the time and see things in a different light. I’m in a fortunate position where I’m quite privileged, I have unconditional love around me and a family that bend over backwards to ensure my head doesn’t get as messy as it has done.
Whilst Monday was my ‘new year, new me’ day, I could feel all my emotions just there bubbling away under the surface and a few times tears ran down my face without warning. But it appears to have gotten a bit easier.
So point number one; only you can change you.
Point number two; fake it till you god damn make it.
My home life isn’t something I ever tried to hide my true feelings and thoughts from, so thus I fell prey to my own mind. Its a tricky little web to get tangled with but ultimately I can only blame myself for not acting against these thoughts. I’m now learning that its practise that makes perfect and that challenging those bad thoughts is really whats needed to prevail. It was very easy for my illness to become me, I stopped leaving the house, stopped travelling places, stopped allowing myself to eat different things and I lived by my routine. I fell victim even more to ill mental health. No matter how much psychological help there is available the only person who can change me, is me.
Perseverance is key: point number three.
Don’t half arse things. No-one wants half a meal, half a hair cut or half a conversation. So put the effort it. I’d be cliche and say ‘reap the rewards’ but i’m yet to reap any rewards yet. Half arsedness won’t work.
It was only today at work I finally said it out loud: ‘build a bridge and get over it’. If I spend all my time dwelling on my ill feelings and thoughts I won’t change them, so now its time to act.
I do think that I needed a good reason to try to do this and I found it. No longer do I want any of my relationships to suffer, or for my dog to have to console me on a Friday, Saturday AND Sunday night. Its not healthy for either parties, and whilst I understand this is an illness, its one I can try to manage and stamp out on my own.
In reality you can only get better if you want to get better, as I said if you half arse things it just doesn’t work. And thats only something the sufferer can act on. Up and till the last couple of weeks I wonder if I actually ever wanted to get better. Its only in the last few weeks have I become hyper aware of how I may or may not affect others with my illness and actually wanted to change to protect them.
I started writing this post around three weeks ago when I decided to change. And I can report back now, that whilst its not been as difficult as I thought, that it has been tiring and theres still a lot of things that bother me but I’m trying to react in different and more healthy ways. By keeping busy and distracted I’ve managed to silence suicidal thoughts and tried to be a bit more positive. Its a massive task but slowly who knows where I may end up.