A new body.
Anorexia is still a prevelant and constant theme in my life. I still identify with Anorexia as my illness however the context now is different. I’m a recovering anorexic, not suffering. I do feel this needs addressing because whilst the illness is being managed and restricted in a certain way its also still very much there. It isn’t as simple, ITS NEVER AS SIMPLE, as ‘you gain weight and you are cured.’ NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.
No longer is my life 100% flat out dictated by this illness, i’ve learned to battle and belittle its words. But this is a daily and general battle. I’ve likened it to Harry and Voldemort before, and really its a great comparison, they’re apart of each other forever, and thats sort of how i look at my life in recovery. Anorexia will always be there, whether or not its going to mark my forehead with a lightning shaped scar, keep me up at night and make me see things in my mind is another thing. But like Harry, im aware it could always happen. At the moment though, i’m winning.. not sure i’ve found all the anorexic related horcruxes in my life just yet though – i’ve certainly destroyed a few.
For me, to be really winning this anorexia recovery, it’s about maintaining my weight and keeping it up. It’s about eating and allowing myself to eat regardless of whether or not it’s going to make me gain 19 stone or not – it won’t.
As I write this, yeah, I’m probs still a bit drunk. But I went out last night and wore a dress I haven’t worn since 2014, whilst 2014 wasn’t my physical smallest I was certainly very underweight and certainly very tiny. Come forward to 2019, a healthy weight and a better nourished body, my anorexia is very quick to make things difficult for me. I always recall this dress being form fitting, just I don’t recall having hips. I don’t recall my boobs not looking like pancakes. And I certainly do not remember looking down at myself and seeing A FIGURE. Before now my eyes would see straight up and down, a boring body that was undernourished and underweight. It’s a stark contrast to me. But honestly it’s probably not THAT much of a contrast to someone who hasn’t suffered or is living with recovery of anorexia. Thats one of the funny things with being a recovering anorexic – what i see is 100% worse than that of a non sufferer or recoverer would see.
It’s very difficult to get used to a “new” body.
I can’t really describe it. However I’m aware everyone gains weight or loses weight at some point in their life, so y’kno I’m not that only one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, they don’t teach self love or kindness. They certainly didn’t teach me to love my new body.
My mind second guesses everything. It makes me believe that over night my hips are 12 inches wider. My face 20 times more fuller. My stomach bloated and bumpy. These things are obviously not true but it’s easier to write it on paper and break it down into rationality than it is to actually comprehend in my mind that it’s quite ridiculously wrong.
I always say the answer is to eat. And this week in particular I’ve upped my calories and started to add in extras that are uncounted (which is massive for me). Naturally such an action plays with my mind. It’s very difficult to get across how relentless ‘recovery’ is. It’s not just a ‘oh I’ve gained weight now I’m ok’ kinda gig. It’s more of an ‘oh I’ve gained weight, I need to deal with this everyday and continue to fight against myself to keep this weight up and keep eating and keep fighting and keep eating and keep fighting’.
I feel that if I saw my body, on another person, I’d probably be envious. Thing is, most of my clothes still fit, im not fat. But anorexia is always shouting the dreaded word into my head, I can silence it mostly, but it’s relentless.
The key really is to get out of my head, focus on positivity and remember EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY. Feelings, people, places – even whatever my current weight is. Is temporary. So it’ll pass.
It’s important for anyone to know and recall that when they’re having a difficult moment. It’ll all pass.
We are greater than our physical beings anyway. But as I’ve said, this isn’t taught in therapy.
Again the answer is to eat. Always eat. I had a good week – in the sense of winning anorexia. Every day I’ve eaten more than my given calorie intake, which isn’t as high as it should be anyway. I’m in a place now where I feel these actions, repeated, will help me become as well as I can be. To focus on a future, whatever it will bring.
My new life motto is ‘whatever will be, will be’.
And it will.