Bridge

anorexia, recovery

Build a bridge and get over it.
Really, it is that simple.

And by simple I mean extremely difficult and awfully painful. But in essence, its that simple.
This last week I appear to have had a slight epiphany. No-one can change me except for me. 

Whilst with my weight and physical anorexia I was always aware this was something I had control over, my mental angst, anxiety and suffering was always something I relied heavily on others to soothe.

And well to be fair, that was bullshit.

I woke on Monday, emotionally hungover from another weekend of suicide threats, emotional distress and constant crying. And something I guess clicked. I needed to try to change myself. Thus far I hadn’t really tried that hard to maintain any of the techniques any therapist had taught me. So from Monday I decided to try.

I’m good at reflecting back on situations now and analysing them, so now I try to look into the situation at the time and see things in a different light. I’m in a fortunate position where I’m quite privileged, I have unconditional love around me and a family that bend over backwards to ensure my head doesn’t get as messy as it has done.

Whilst Monday was my ‘new year, new me’ day, I could feel all my emotions just there bubbling away under the surface and a few times tears ran down my face without warning. But it appears to have gotten a bit easier.

So point number one; only you can change you.

Point number two; fake it till you god damn make it.

My home life isn’t something I ever tried to hide my true feelings and thoughts from, so thus I fell prey to my own mind. Its a tricky little web to get tangled with but ultimately I can only blame myself for not acting against these thoughts. I’m now learning that its practise that makes perfect and that challenging those bad thoughts is really whats needed to prevail. It was very easy for my illness to become me, I stopped leaving the house, stopped travelling places, stopped allowing myself to eat different things and I lived by my routine. I fell victim even more to ill mental health. No matter how much psychological help there is available the only person who can change me, is me. 

Perseverance is key: point number three.

Don’t half arse things. No-one wants half a meal, half a hair cut or half a conversation. So put the effort it. I’d be cliche and say ‘reap the rewards’ but i’m yet to reap any rewards yet. Half arsedness won’t work.

It was only today at work I finally said it out loud: ‘build a bridge and get over it’. If I spend all my time dwelling on my ill feelings and thoughts I won’t change them, so now its time to act.

I do think that I needed a good reason to try to do this and I found it. No longer do I want any of my relationships to suffer, or for my dog to have to console me on a Friday, Saturday AND Sunday night. Its not healthy for either parties, and whilst I understand this is an illness, its one I can try to manage and stamp out on my own. 

In reality you can only get better if you want to get better, as I said if you half arse things it just doesn’t work. And thats only something the sufferer can act on. Up and till the last couple of weeks I wonder if I actually ever wanted to get better. Its only in the last few weeks have I become hyper aware of how I may or may not affect others with my illness and actually wanted to change to protect them.

I started writing this post around three weeks ago when I decided to change. And I can report back now, that whilst its not been as difficult as I thought, that it has been tiring and theres still a lot of things that bother me but I’m trying to react in different and more healthy ways. By keeping busy and distracted I’ve managed to silence suicidal thoughts and tried to be a bit more positive.  Its a massive task but slowly who knows where I may end up. 

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Weight

anorexia, recovery

We all have weight, it’s inevitable. It’s like having eyes and a nose. We have it. Some of us differ to others and we’re all different in our own ways. Something similar amongst us though is how we use weight to define our worth.

For me, up and til this year, I weighed myself almost daily. And whilst my weight was low and I was able to control It to a degree – and my fluctuations not able to range as much as a healthy weight, it still changed as it pleased.

Would you try to control your heart rate?

No.

Why?

You can’t.

And weight, to some level, is the same as this. Our bodies are, pardon my French, weird as fuck. I went to see Michael McIntyre recently and he pointed this out – yawning? Weird AF.

Our bodies will do what they do. It’s just a part of them working and doing their job.

I can understand why we try control it, to me control feels GOOOD. Decreasing the number on the scales always felt GOOOD. With multiple O’s. But that was never helpful. Defining ourselves through weight is really just bullshit.

Post weight restoration im more of myself, personality wise, than ever.

There’s a movement going about on instagram orchestrated by Jameela Jamil, it’s called the #iweigh movement. And in it people post how much they weigh. Not in pounds, stones or kilos. But in realness, characteristics and positivities. It’s really a good movement to get behind and I’m heavily contemplating, the next time I’m asked what I weigh, to say 2 dogs, a 3 bedroom house, AMAZING pastry chef and chocolate adventurer. We’ll see how that one goes down though.

I gusss one of the points of the movement is that weight does not define our worth – WE define our worth. We define it through our trials and triumphs. Our life experiences and our ways of handling them and ourselves.

As i come to the end of my time at the Eating Disorder Clinic, my weight plays a lot on my mind.

I’m actually just under a healthy weight for where the clinic want me to be, much to my mistake. And whilst I’m allowed to go to the gym and try to tone up and gain muscle, I’m aware I need to gain weight to do that.

Am I comfortable with that? No.

But to think of it rationally, if it’s how I want my body to look then I have to look at the scales from a different perspective and realise the number doesn’t define my worth. It shows of my efforts and bids to get better, but it doesn’t define my worth.

I lived so many years having my days depend on the number on the scale. If it went up, it was a VERY bad day. And if it went down. It was an ok day. I wasn’t ever fully happy when it went down as I was scared it would go so low there was no turning back.

My question is why do we abide by scales and weight when it doesn’t really define our worth?

What do you weigh in worth, what are your triumphs and tribulations, what are your accomplishments and skills?

Truth is, I don’t care what other people weigh. I never have done. So I assume it’s quite the same for most other people.

We can’t tell how much a person weighs from looking at them, so why does the number matter?

It doesn’t.***

And that’s something, after 8 years of being in a toxic relationship with, I’m ready to break up and start afresh. But just like real toxic relationships, it’s one that just won’t let go of me so easily.

***it kind of matters for health purposes but that’s it, NOTHING more.