It’s up to you

anorexia, recovery

Now I work in a call centre, one of my first solo calls from an elderly lady left me in happy tears. Her parting words ‘your year is how you make it’, were her parting words of wisdom and DAMN she couldn’t have picked a more relevant advisor to come through to.

Of course she’s right. She’s got the life experience and wisdom. But she is totally right.

Your year is yours for the making. You make it how you choose to.

I woke up today feeling fat, shock horror. I’m not sure if I’ve gained weight or lost weight or relocated weight, I don’t measure myself. But when things get tough, and when my plate gets more full (ironic yes), anorexia really likes to try and seep in and poison my positive thought patterns and progress.

So I have the option today. Do I restrict, and eat less? Or do I continue to win, and eat without tracking?

Right now it’s the latter, it will continue to be that. But today I’ll accept it will be a struggle. Why is it the latter? Because I am making my year good. I can’t live a full life on an empty stomach and my mind can’t be happy longing to be fed.

Simple? Well, no of course not. It’s taken me bloody years to get to this point and everyday it’s a challenge but one that gets easier with time. Pushing boundaries and stepping out of your comfortable zone is how you move forward.

Anorexia led me to believe things could stay the way if I asserted the utmost control. Anorexia was wrong. Things change. Bodies change. In the last 24 hours Anorexia has tried to infiltrate my positivity, anorexia tries to misconstrue and twist my thoughts and what my eyes see. I started to see a fat, large and humongous body parts. My limbs not as I remembered them. But then I remember, the end of this week for me has been pressured and this is when anorexia tries to strike. I also try to remember all the tools and weapons I have to win this battle. So much against my own will, I took some photos of my body. Obv here they are. I’m not fat, ffs. So shut the fuck up anorexia. BUT HERES THE THING. Bodies change. They fluctuate, they grow, they shrink, they CHANGE. As I always say everything is temporary AND IT BLOODY IS. So if I feel fat today, I combat it and that feeling is less tomorrow. If I think I look fat today, I combat it, that feeling is less tomorrow. AND IF I THINK MY CLOTHES DONT FIT BECAUSE I THINK IM THE SIZE OF A HOUSE, I COMBAT IT, THAT FEELING IS NOT WELCOME HERE TOMORROW.

Obv my point here is of course everything is temporary, but it’s also – coz I’m aware what most of us are like with our bodies – is that bodies change, so don’t get hung up on it today because tomorrow will be different. There are factors in our bodies we can not control. So build a bridge, get over it, then eat all that grass that greener on the other side. And furthermore my point is, which leads into my first words of wisdom – if you think your life is shit then it is. It’s as simple as. Life is what you make it.

Find something that works for you to make yourself feel in-line again. For me, it genuinely does help taking and posting these photos because not only is it photographic proof that a girl is 🔥🔥🔥 but they’re also here to show you all that if I can sort my head and self out then there’s every chance you can too. I love to help people, and I love to show people what life can be like without the restriction of an eating disorder and with the inclusion of a positive mindset. I try to be as honest as possible and make it known on the days I struggle and how to combat it. Recovery isn’t a straight line, but nor is life.

Days can be difficult, weeks, months or even years but they don’t last.

This afternoon, after an event that made me fear again for my mental wellbeing – don’t worry it’s not as dramatic as it sounds, I just stared to cry. There are certain situations in my life, currently unavoidable, that i allow to make me uneasy and on edge.

Most of the time I deal with it, but I try to tiptoe around egg shells to not have to deal with the consequences. I’ve been crying for about half an hour now but what’s funny is; I still know I’m not fat, and I still know I’m going to be ok and be a winner but in this moment I chose to not listen to that, so in this moment I am sad and that’s because of me, no one else. So I take ownership for my bad feelings and recognise that they won’t be here forever.

I can’t say it enough, but everything is temporary. Everything.

And just like the old lady on the phone said, my year is mine to make, and I’ll make of it what I will. When the bad feelings arise I will accept them and remember they won’t last. It’s also like Dumbledore says, about happiness being found when one remembers to turn on the light.

If we can zap bad thoughts when they appear it’ll help us phenomenally in the long but it’s remembering to do so that’s the tricky bit.

But you know. You got this. I got this. We got this

Welcome to life xo

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‘I want a sausage’

anorexia, recovery

1. Loving yourself is the secret to becoming your greatest version

2. Your perception of yourself is more important than anyone else’s

I see it daily, many many times. People struggle to love themselves, to be kind to themselves and struggle to allow room for mistakes or room to grow. It’s a viscous circle, at first, loving yourself.

We’re programmed negatively – it’s the default. And we’re cultivated to compare and contrast ourselves to one another. We’re told to praise outer beauty – the thing is with that one though, we’re all different, we all have different opinions. One persons beauty is another’s dissatisfaction.

(This is me and I love me)

Now, this blog is going to mainly run with the anorexia theme as this is an important one for all of us with the illness (however it can be adapted and erased for anyone and everyone)

Loving yourself is eating. It is not restricting and not disallowing. You are not a headmaster and your body a pupil. You can eat what you want and be THANKFUL for being kind to yourself for doing that. Being thankful is the greatest attitude, it brings positivity back in abundance.

Each day I’m learning more to be thankful for myself in the present moment. I’m thankful now that my body is further away from the physical anorexia traits. I am thankful for the energy this brings me. Thankful for the stability it helps to bring to my mind.

However, no. It isn’t easy.

I’ve found eating more, counting less and being more lenient – heck, I had a side of mac and cheese yesterday which 6 months ago I wouldn’t have fathomed, has helped me to get on the road to love myself.

I do pride myself on my inner-being as opposed to my outer because it’s helped me feel more comfortable overall with myself.

To not shy away from a cliche; happiness comes from within. And it really bloody does.

Last year after I left the eating disorder clinic my health was the same as it was four months later. However four months later, people told me how ‘well’ I looked. They were quick to comment it wasn’t health or weight related but more toward my happiness and new found love for life. I was different.

In those four months things changed, things I didn’t believe ever would. I believed if such situations arose that I would drown, but instead not only did I float but I navigated a fleet of ships on those waters.

If you allow it you can surprise yourself. My advice here is to follow your heart and really, truly listen to it.

By allowing myself to listen to my heart I was thus being kind to myself. And kindness brings love.

This week at work, if you haven’t heard cos I’ve mentioned it to everyone, I partook in a buffet with my work friends (shoutout to that team for being super fun and lovely and making work easier every day). But for any suffering from a restrictive mindset toward food, a buffet can be hell. In previous years I’d have sat, quietly, making up excuses as to why I couldn’t eat and distancing myself from the social bonding that such an event brings. This week, however, I’d decided ‘fuck that, I want a sausage’. True story.

So whilst I was still wary, and anorexia still trying to shout me down, I did it. The main reason I did it was because I WANTED TO. And by engaging in an activity that I desire i in turn show myself love, I prove to myself I can love me and I can be kind.

Now repetition is key. If you have a dog and you’ve tried to train it then you know positive reinforcement is the way forward. It’s the same here with battling anorexia and loving yourself.

To change a habit it takes 30 days, as to quote one of my old managers. And I’m beginning to believe it does. Restriction was always easier when I’d been practising it for a longer time. Eating more and tracking less is easier now that I’ve started to do it more.

But that doesn’t mean to say Anorexia doesn’t tear its head in my mind and try to voice its bullshit opinions. Of course for an anorexic eating more and controlling less are the biggest contrasts. So everyday can be a battleground. But as we practise these positive love yourself motions, anorexia gets backed into a corner of the battleground and really does get easier to silence.

Now that I’m unaware of my daily calorie count, anorexia is always telling me I’ve ‘EATEN SO MUCH 😵’ and that I’ve ‘GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT’. The battle gets easier and the voice quieted. I have eaten so much, and I haven’t gained so much weight. I haven’t even gained a pound but anorexia will try misconstrue that as I’m not used to exercising my ‘eat more track less’ muscle. It’s a new ball game but through it I learn more and I love more. I’m practising kindness to myself everyday. This silenced anorexia more everyday, too.

I’m putting out what I will get back – kindness and love.

(a pic of a big step for me, adding in a side of Mac n cheese)

With anorexia I beg you to think of recovery as gaining happiness and life. No other detrimental or physical appearance words allowed.

And as for a general ‘learning to love yourself’ practise, I also beg the same. When you love yourself internally it shows externally. And there’s absolutely nothing better than a nice genuine smile.

Like, there’s a man I started smiling at on my commute to work and now he smiles back and says hello and he’s just genuinely happy someone’s saying hi and that just makes me feel so bloody happy inside to see him smile

Love yourself and you’ll take over the world xoxox

Are you true to you?

anorexia, recovery

”The greatest friend and enemy lie within you. It’s what you can let go of that determines how high you can fly

Let go of whatever doesn’t serve you” Ralph Smart, Infinite Waters

The question was raised this week, ‘how do you be uncompromisingly you?’ Id answered an Instagram vote about it and was in the minority of people who voted for finding it easy to be themselves

But the question was raised, how do I do it?

My initial thoughts leant toward the belief that I am not my ego, and I am so much more than that. It took many a trial and tribulation for me to get here and understand that, but now I do I feel it releases an anchor from that ‘being me’. I am not my possessions or appearance. I am my thoughts and my being.

And in further addition to that I appreciate myself no matter what. I strive to look after myself and that’s something I will not ever put at risk – again this comes through after a lot of trials and tribulations but if you’re reading this thinking your life has been breezy and you need a storm to wade through to see the rainbow, then let me tell you you do not. Only a desire to be happy and healthy is required.

Essentially there is no good and bad, there is just BEING. Things happen and it’s how you choose to observe and react that affects you.

There’s a guy I know who constantly apologised for making mistakes, he’s such a lovely lovely guy that in my eyes I can’t see a reason he would ever need to apologise. Mistakes are part of life, they are neither good nor bad.

If i take a step back in this situation what I can see is the action of learning, not mistakes being made. If the mistakes are accepted and owned then they can be moulded into a different concept, like learning. As soon as we can stop apologising for ourselves and saying thanks instead we open up our mind to a new mindset that has the grounds for us to start loving and accepting ourselves.

Don’t ever apologise for being you. You are the person who spend most time with so love the version of yourself that you are today. Everything happens for a reason. By apologising for yourself you are doing yourself an injustice and going against your natural you, stand up for yourself.

For me, it also took being kind to myself. And a lot of failed attempts at doing so to get there. I’m a trier and fortunately god loves a trier so I was always on to a winner. But that’s the thing with learning to be happy with yourself, it takes effort. So when you get knocked down, get up again.

For me being kind to myself was allowing myself to eat more as food restriction was my main form of self harm. And thereafter it was exercise OCD and actual self harm and irrational thoughts. I had to learn what I was doing that didn’t help me and I had to battle to minimise their effects as much as possible.

Furthermore I strive for my own happiness. This derives from being true to myself and learning what i do and don’t want. It was all about adapting my mindset to one that benefit me by going with the flow and where the desire and feeling in my heart took me. I fully believe that our hearts and the universe lead it along the path of least resistance and most happy if we allow it.

Also to get where I am I eventually stopped relying on the ‘I’ll be happy WHEN’ or ‘ill be happy IF’ rule. I broke it. I decided I would be happy right now, in the moment and in the day. Every day I choose to wake up and be happy. (Sometimes I’ll admit I don’t and I’m in a shit mood but cest la vie I accept it and move on, life is not a straight and forward line)

Now, i would like to take a moment to point a finger toward the ‘I Weigh’ movement on Instagram that Jameela Jamil started. It’s a great little tool to use to add up WHY YOU’RE SO AMAZING. And all of the good things that add up to make you the being you are today and looks further that just the body and ego.

And last but not least by no means. I am grateful for me. Gratitude is the attitude and the greatest multiplier. What I am thankful for grows in abundance and serves me in happiness, comfort and love. I am thankful for everything about me because without me I wouldn’t be here right now. So if you’re looking for inspiration to help you with you, then apply that to yourself. You may look upon your life negatively but you’re here, you’re alive and you’re doing everyday and living everyday. Life is something to be thankful for and when we start to be thankful we can start to live life the way we really want, it’s all within the power of our minds.

One thing I’ve learned in this new perspective is that happiness comes from within and that all the cliches you hear in life really are bloody true. So exercise patience because it is a virtue and believe that good things come to those who wait because YOU GOT THIS.

You do you, hun xo

(Here’s an Insight into what I feel strongly about; plant based milk, vodka and my dog. And that’s just me to the core)

CONTRAST

anorexia, recovery

CONTRAST

How did you spend your Friday night? I actually spent mine at Roseberry Park at the Crisis Assessment Suite because I had what I can only describe as nothing short of a traumatic meltdown. After my video went out, Anorexia took advantage of my sensitivity to my appearance and shot me right down.

Seeing myself on tv didn’t sit right with me at first, granted my face isn’t the size of tv screen and the ratio was a lot larger than life, my little head couldn’t process rationality at this point.

There’s several things on going in my life right now, I’m not saying they’re bad, there’s just a lot. And a year ago, I would not have been able to live my life the way I’m living now.

So as soon as my segment had finished, I locked

Myself in the bathroom. I disassociated. I don’t really remember a thing, I was in there for a good 45 mins just with my own thoughts.

When I left the bathroom and rejoined my family in the living room I felt my anorexia take over, it was like a switch, it had pushed its way to the forefront of my mind. Told me I was fat and ugly and these words were the most painful to hear.

I lashed out. I screamed blue murder. I got up and ran toward the door. I hit my head three times off the door before my father restrained me. Next thing I know I’m a heap of curly mess on the floor, in tears.

I spent the next 2 hours in ‘mental health a&e’ – I’ve never been here before but I haven’t broke down like that in a good 7 months. I wasn’t myself. But. But. BUT. Lads and lasses, here is where the magic happened. We all know I’m in a good place, and while to some what I’ve just written may look like the opposite to that it infact further cements to me I’m doing just GREAT. As we sat waiting, my positive thought seeped back in. I knew these feelings were temporary, i knew I wasn’t fat, and I KNOW IM PRETTY FFS. My mind quite quickly started fighting back.

In this moment I realised that I knew this would happen. Contrast always appears. It’s part of life. With all the ‘yeses’ there must be some ‘no’s.

This week has been a really busy one for me, I’ve spent it raising awareness and trying to push my own boundaries constantly and I’ve done it all with a massive smile on my face. So it’s only natural that a frown would occur. It just so happens I like to do things dramatically I guess.

Furthermore. The act of hitting my head off a door was a damn sight better than going back to starving myself. I’ve hit my head off walls and doors before, never ever have I actually done any damage. Neither to the door or my head.

Whereas with starving myself, well hey, that caused me loads of shit.

Honestly, you have to take the good with the bad.

I might sound slightly odd saying that what happened on Friday night was a positive thing, but to me it was – PERSPECTIVE PEOPLE.

How I see it is like this; I got a shock, I couldn’t proceed rationality in the moment so irrationality took over, I hurt my head, my thoughts quickly switched from bad to good, I fought the battle against the bad thoughts, my weekend wasn’t ruined, I won.

For me to be able to sit in ‘mental health a&e’ and make jokes and laugh after an hour, really shows to me how far I’ve come.

A little episode like this, asides from the fact it would’ve happened a lot more frequently, would’ve set me back a massive amount.

Instead, I’ve let it push me forward. I’ve accepted it happened and there was a reason it happened. I can now focus on raising more awareness and showing people it’s not all butterflies and daisies even when ‘you got this’. As I say, you got to take the good with the bad.

Everything is temporary so feelings come and go.

There’s a couple of things I did to help me get over the feeling of fat and ugly. I’d heard Gok Wan say on the tv the other day about having a file of photos on your phone dedicated to yourself and looking DAMN FINE. Now I don’t have a file, but damn do I have photos. And as we well know there’s a few recent ones in my underwear too.

So I had a look through my photos. I’m more than alright aren’t I. I even, perhaps inappropriately, took a selfie whilst waiting. And whilst I do think I look pretty and that my make up is amazing for not smudging, think that it sort of shows how light can shine through darkness. My eyes are swollen and teary but my smile is there.

Close up cos shoutout to the v small bump on my made of steel head

As I mentioned before I had some recent photos in my underwear and again, I’ll probably insert a different photo, but the photos I posted and took mean a lot to me. I was really proud of that blog post, and proud of how accepting of my body I’ve become.

So yeah I look at this photo and think YESSSS GIRLLLLLL, and it helped put the smile back on my face

Again, like mentioned in my last post, bloody hell go take a photo in your underwear and look GOD DAMN SMOKIN – save them for a rainy day. Visual aids can help a LOAD.

What I also found helped on Friday night was switching off my notifications. Whilst I’m so grateful that people share lovely words and vibrations with me, that amount of feedback can be overwhelming, so it’s about knowing when to take a step back and slow it down. I still read everything and I still felt the love in my heart from it all, but in the moment it wasn’t helpful because I was dealing with a contrasting experience that required my attention more.

So, to just add what I put on the caption of my photo because it sums things up v nicely –

Is Friday night a bad thing? No.

Is this a set back? Hell bloody no.

Does it mean I have a bruise on my head from the door? STILL NO. (My head is made of steel.)

Am I still in a really good place? Hell to the fucking yesssss

Long story short, recovery isn’t a straight line and nor is life.

No point only giving the positive attention when contrast will always exist. Still on my path to greatness xxxxxxx

ALSO FURTHERMORE I CAME HOME ON FRIDAY NIGHT AND ATE A COOKIE FROM MY FAVOURITE BAKERY (saved for a special occasion) I ATE LIMITED EDITION OREOS (again saved for a special occasion) AND FINISHED A JAR OF MY FAVOURITE SPREAD.

No one gets the better of me. Not even anorexia. Let that be known. Cos I am fucking brilliant

BODY POSITIVITY

anorexia, recovery

So here’s a thing. I like taking photos of myself in nice underwear. Now there’s no shame here.

The matter of the fact is i took those photos for MYSELF because I thought I looked GOOD. And I am so so PROUD of how far I’ve come.

Naturally when I went through my break up the amount decreased significantly and when suddenly I wasn’t sharing these photos anymore, it was brought to my attention the reason I ever sent them in the first place.

The reason was for myself and my own body confidence.

We don’t spend an awful lot of time in our underwear or naked for that point, so sometimes I feel we hide from ourselves. Going through Anorexia means I certainly did and still do that from time to time – I love a good baggy jeans and jumper combo.

But I also love to feel pretty, sexy and like MYSELF

It’s another part of my good mental health toolkit.

I may not be sending these photos anywhere or regularly posting them, but they bring me an inner confidence that I can share with myself.

My body is like a work of art, something I’ve spent years creating and changing. One day the brush strokes may lean a different way to another. The picture is ever growing, and never finished. A work in permanent progress because progression trumps perfection. But at the end of it all the painting will be hung on the wall and the painter moves onto bigger and better things.

I worked so hard to get my body to how it is today. And it may not stay this way. But today I look at it and I think how strong my thighs look, how TANNED I am, and still how flat my tummy is. My arms are stronger, my waist no longer sad and shrunken and it all tied nicely in my a massive jungle of curls on my head.

Really, I wanted to post this photo to show that whoever you are, whatever you look like, you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of but to be PROUD of you as you are today. WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN OUR PHYSICAL BEINGS

Like, look here, I’ve gained weight, I’ve gained muscle and here I am accepting my body and placing less importance than ever on it. And if I can do it, SO CAN YOU. I’ve gone through, and deal with, an illness everyday but this is me. I suppose I felt like I couldn’t be 100% true and honest without showing you really what’s underneath and the effort of all my hard work.

The thing is, DIVERSITY. Such a great word, and such a relevant word. We’re all different. In our illness we’re all different – mental health illnesses are like faves, we all have one and whilst they can be of the same age, gender, race or anything they can still be completely different, no two the same.

It’s the same with our bodies. We may be of the same gender, or age or whatever but we’re all different. Literally every single one of us is different – so why bother comparing ourselves to someone who is different?

Here’s one for you, I’m 26 and didn’t realise HOW different all labia were until about a month ago. There’s a project on Instagram called The Vulva Gallery and it documents how different every person is. When I came across this Instagram it really catalysed, in general, how different we all are to one another. Whether it’s in bodies, mind or spirit. We’re all so bloody different, it’s beautifully crazy.

So you might be looking at these photos of me and compare them to yourself – stop, if you are. I know how quickly people can judge others – it’s a front for comparison, I know it well, I worked in a clothing store for 6 years and I’ve seen how insecure a lot of people are and they cast off their insecurities on a boat of comparison toward others.

Realistically you can’t properly compare me to you, or you to anyone else. Because you are yourself and you’re amazing.

Today you are the best you that you’ve ever been and the most you that you’ve ever been.

I see people hiding and running and being confused about themselves all the time. So maybe it does take spending a lot of time with yourself in your truest form, to realise who you are and where you want to go.

I understand the future isn’t ours to SEE, but it’s certain ours to MAKE, and make of it what we will.

I want to see you as you, in your truest form to show us how beautiful and different we all are. We weren’t born to be the same and we aren’t meant to lead the same lives, we all have our paths and choices to take and that’s a beauty of life.

Now this is my favourite point – We are more than just our physical form. For some reason we hold so much importance on it, this is another reason why I show you this photo – because my body doesn’t mean ME. If you’re reading this, you’ll know of me and the way I talk, the way I write, heck – the way I BAKE. And it’s all these things that make me, ME. My body was something that previously got mixed up in an illness and was a by product of a negative mindset, as each day passes and my mind progresses my body and it’s physical form hold less and less importance to me – I accept it as it is today, and look forward to seeing how it will serve me in the future but know that it isn’t the be all and end all.

It really is just about looking past your nose. Look further than what you see, embody more than what you see. Beauty comes from within, and people will tell you that. When you’re happy on the inside it shows on the outside. The way to confidence is to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. The more you push the more benefit you get

Embrace it. Believe it. Receive it.

Life after Suffering

anorexia, recovery

Life after suffering

If you’d have told me I’d be somewhere above 7 stone, a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you’d have told me I’d see a personal trainer and have developed strong shoulders and strength, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you’d have told me I’d spend the rest of my life fighting to keep my weight up, I wouldn’t have believed you.

When I was suffering with anorexia, I never believed I could recover. I thought my thoughts, that were all encompassing, would be the complete undoing of me and that I’d never be able to gain and maintain a healthy weight. My relationship with exercise was a strict OCD that I struggled to overcome, I still struggle with it today but I’ve managed to let someone else have a slight oversee into what I’m doing and by doing so I’ve actually managed to change the way my body is – it’s quite crazy to see how sticks can turn into muscle and actually be something.  What they don’t teach you, anywhere, is how to love yourself. Whether it is physically ill, physically well or mentally ill or mentally well, I don’t feel I’ve ever been taught how to love myself. I’ve pretty much done the whole outpatient ED Clinic thing on my own; I didn’t have a present other half through the experience. The comments about my body were always made by me, to me. I could never believe my parents – they literally exist to love me unconditionally, so they could never be trusted in my eyes.  The clinic never taught me how to focus on what was really reflecting in the mirror, I was taught to focus on how great my hair is, or how pretty my face is.
This is something I’ve started to teach myself after treatment.
I have days where I feel like I’m the size of a whale, and anorexia rationality tells me that because I’m not underweight – I don’t know what I weigh, that I can’t be skinny either. But is that what I want? No. I want to look nice, happy, and comfortable in my own skin. I want health. These thoughts don’t come naturally to me as I’ve spent many, many years with a anorexic headmaster teaching my school of thinking.
Oddly enough I found more liking of myself and my own body through breaking up with my boyfriend. No longer did I desire validation for someone who wasn’t worth my thoughts. My breakup taught me what I’m worth. And now I fully believe we should all learn what we’re worth, because when we know what we’re worth, we’re unstoppable. We can stop for nothing less than we need, or deserve. Again this is another thing I would’ve loved to have learned through treatment but I guess somethings are learned when we are fully on our own; we can’t learn about ourselves if we have other people there putting thoughts and ideas into our heads.

I go on about it a lot, but it changed my life, I watched The Secret and started to use the Law of Attraction in my life. It’s all about how what we think brings about more of what we think. Anorexia had already proved this theory worked for me through and through, only now was the time to harness it for the better. I found out about The Secret in September, 3 months after I’d been discharged from the clinic. Parts of those 3 months were the darkest I’d ever seen. I spent a couple of evenings, and mornings, sat on my kitchen floor with a bottle of vodka and packs upon packs of pills – probably not enough to kill me, but that’s what I wanted. There was no-one. Just me, my kitchen floor and the vodka. The only person who could change this was me, but It took me a long time and a discovery of new world to discover that. During these months I was out in the world with no professional support, it was fight or flight time. I knew this was going to be the case, as my psychologist had warned me. I didn’t think I could do it. I still called her a least twice a month, hoping for some more help. Eventually I and she came to a conclusion, we had a plan. I had to work out what I wanted to live for. The two things I’d chosen were my boyfriend – I wanted to be the girlfriend I was when we first met and not be annoyed at him all the time. And my dogs – nothing more needs explaining here. I also had to get out of the house; I lived with my boyfriend (now ex and yeah we still live together) and he essentially worked away, something which I struggled with MASSIVELY. I’ve never lived in a normal house, let alone being in one all ALONE.
So I did just that, I started to go out more. I had an entire week where every day and evening I did something – I’d not done that in over a year. It was liberating. There was no other way to describe it. The month of August I felt a liberation within me that I’d never felt before, I was doing life and beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That being said, after I found The Secret, and after I’d found my worth – me and my boyfriend broke up. Now you may think I’d have topped myself right then and there, but no; this is what I wanted. I’d known since I began to try turning my life around, I was turning it around for the wrong person. I should’ve been turning it around for me and only me.  This in turn led to quite an odd situation; we have a mortgage together and still do. Before this situation arose I was quite used to my mental conditions being a product of my mind and not my surroundings. One of the lessons I’ve learned regarding mental illness is that when you finally start to get your head around how to win the battle, that your surroundings can make you wobble a bit but ultimate YOU BLOODY GOT THIS.

I now advocate a strong relationship with a positive mental attitude. I choose to be grateful, I choose to love and I choose to reap what I sow – attract in what I put out.  Another major lesson I learned, which I’ve documented previously on this blog is that only you can help you. Your head has to be in the game, 100%. When I was first diagnosed with anorexia, all I really wanted to do was to learn some tips on how to lose weight and to perhaps find someone who cared about me. I didn’t care for me, or my health. As we’re aware it wasn’t until I left the clinic that I started to see things differently. I couldn’t have my life if I didn’t want or try for my life.

I say it to everyone but get yourself on Youtube or Netflix and watch The Secret. Wade through the American cheese and revel in the fact it’s there to help make you a better person and give you a more fulfilling life. Scars heal, illness recovers and life goes on. Everything really is temporary and if you’re feeling shit today, DAMN, it’s not going to last forever.

I know i may repeat myself a lot but with mental illnesses and misunderstanding the only way to make it click is to really hammer it in. The more i go on, the more i mention and the more i talk, the more i repeat repeat repeat, the more likely i am to have taught someone something new and something they’ll remember. That’s all i’m here for.

Whats in my toolkit?

anorexia, recovery

If i were a Youtuber this would totally be a ‘whats in my handbag’ sort of gig. However, much to my sisters dismay, i am not.

Yesterday i mentioned i had some tools in place to help me with my thoughts when Anorexia is being a bitch – lets face it, everyone knows it, shes a massive bitch. I’d write stronger words but i’m hoping media outlets share these posts.

First and foremost id like to give the spotlight to SOCIAL MEDIA. In particular Instagram, who have this nifty little feature where you can ask your followers for ‘answers’. Or in my case i asked for inspo. Best of all it sort of looks like your answers will be anonymous – theyre not. SO I CAN SEE YOU ALL.

I inserted this pic on my story, and awaited response.

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NOW PLZ NOTE. For this beautifil tool to work one must encourage self confidence and an ability to convey feelings in a articulate manner.
And if you can, then look below, you get a very nice few responses. See people, when you ask them, and i mean really ask them, will come through. You can find light in the darkest of places YOU JUST NEED TO TURN ON THE LIGHT. Doesnt matter where the fucking switch is, just keep god damn looking for it.

answers3

Secondly, theres an app i was introduced to and ive found it extremely helpful, not just with the atypical anorexia symptoms but the offshoots too. Here i’ll insert a pic and you can just read the inner workings of my complex and at times distressed mind. Apologies im not a top of the range blogger who can be arsed cropping all her photos so it makes sense to a simple mind – y’all can read and put words together so make it make sense.

I always say its your own duty to work on yourself, noone elses. A therapist can only help so much, a friend can only offer so many shoulders to cry on and your family will DIE eventually. Whilst morbid, its also correct. EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY, THE PLACES, THE SITUATIONS, THE PEOPLE AND THE FEELINGS. So unless you do you right, its never going to happen. Does that make sense? If it doesnt then slide into my bloody DM’s and if any random chewy creepy men slide in, you can already fuck off. xoxoxox