Now I work in a call centre, one of my first solo calls from an elderly lady left me in happy tears. Her parting words ‘your year is how you make it’, were her parting words of wisdom and DAMN she couldn’t have picked a more relevant advisor to come through to.
Of course she’s right. She’s got the life experience and wisdom. But she is totally right.
Your year is yours for the making. You make it how you choose to.
I woke up today feeling fat, shock horror. I’m not sure if I’ve gained weight or lost weight or relocated weight, I don’t measure myself. But when things get tough, and when my plate gets more full (ironic yes), anorexia really likes to try and seep in and poison my positive thought patterns and progress.
So I have the option today. Do I restrict, and eat less? Or do I continue to win, and eat without tracking?
Right now it’s the latter, it will continue to be that. But today I’ll accept it will be a struggle. Why is it the latter? Because I am making my year good. I can’t live a full life on an empty stomach and my mind can’t be happy longing to be fed.
Simple? Well, no of course not. It’s taken me bloody years to get to this point and everyday it’s a challenge but one that gets easier with time. Pushing boundaries and stepping out of your comfortable zone is how you move forward.
Anorexia led me to believe things could stay the way if I asserted the utmost control. Anorexia was wrong. Things change. Bodies change. In the last 24 hours Anorexia has tried to infiltrate my positivity, anorexia tries to misconstrue and twist my thoughts and what my eyes see. I started to see a fat, large and humongous body parts. My limbs not as I remembered them. But then I remember, the end of this week for me has been pressured and this is when anorexia tries to strike. I also try to remember all the tools and weapons I have to win this battle. So much against my own will, I took some photos of my body. Obv here they are. I’m not fat, ffs. So shut the fuck up anorexia. BUT HERES THE THING. Bodies change. They fluctuate, they grow, they shrink, they CHANGE. As I always say everything is temporary AND IT BLOODY IS. So if I feel fat today, I combat it and that feeling is less tomorrow. If I think I look fat today, I combat it, that feeling is less tomorrow. AND IF I THINK MY CLOTHES DONT FIT BECAUSE I THINK IM THE SIZE OF A HOUSE, I COMBAT IT, THAT FEELING IS NOT WELCOME HERE TOMORROW.
Obv my point here is of course everything is temporary, but it’s also – coz I’m aware what most of us are like with our bodies – is that bodies change, so don’t get hung up on it today because tomorrow will be different. There are factors in our bodies we can not control. So build a bridge, get over it, then eat all that grass that greener on the other side. And furthermore my point is, which leads into my first words of wisdom – if you think your life is shit then it is. It’s as simple as. Life is what you make it.
Find something that works for you to make yourself feel in-line again. For me, it genuinely does help taking and posting these photos because not only is it photographic proof that a girl is 🔥🔥🔥 but they’re also here to show you all that if I can sort my head and self out then there’s every chance you can too. I love to help people, and I love to show people what life can be like without the restriction of an eating disorder and with the inclusion of a positive mindset. I try to be as honest as possible and make it known on the days I struggle and how to combat it. Recovery isn’t a straight line, but nor is life.
Days can be difficult, weeks, months or even years but they don’t last.
This afternoon, after an event that made me fear again for my mental wellbeing – don’t worry it’s not as dramatic as it sounds, I just stared to cry. There are certain situations in my life, currently unavoidable, that i allow to make me uneasy and on edge.
Most of the time I deal with it, but I try to tiptoe around egg shells to not have to deal with the consequences. I’ve been crying for about half an hour now but what’s funny is; I still know I’m not fat, and I still know I’m going to be ok and be a winner but in this moment I chose to not listen to that, so in this moment I am sad and that’s because of me, no one else. So I take ownership for my bad feelings and recognise that they won’t be here forever.
I can’t say it enough, but everything is temporary. Everything.
And just like the old lady on the phone said, my year is mine to make, and I’ll make of it what I will. When the bad feelings arise I will accept them and remember they won’t last. It’s also like Dumbledore says, about happiness being found when one remembers to turn on the light.
If we can zap bad thoughts when they appear it’ll help us phenomenally in the long but it’s remembering to do so that’s the tricky bit.
But you know. You got this. I got this. We got this
Welcome to life xo