Blog 9

anorexia, recovery

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve injured my knee to the point I’m struggling to walk and I’m in constant pain – and it’s my fault. I can only assume, but I’m more than certain, its due to over exercising and over exerting myself in my daily jog. The last few days I’ve had to change my exercise and daily routine without my full consent. As stated before I would usually jog through the pain or just get on with it, but this time I physically can’t.

To me, especially through my recovery, exercise was my safety blanket. It was a means to eat more and a reason I was looking to increase and expand as my calorie intake and weight reach normal numbers. It’s all been thrown right up in the air now and the distress is something really unimaginable. These last few days have felt like a relationship break up or a death. I’ve been through both of those situations before and there’s really nothing else I can compare it to. I’ve spent the last few afternoons and nights crying inconsolably. The mental distress hurts so much and there’s a constant physical pain to go along with it.

I don’t hate to say I was right, so I can quite happily state it; I was right. I said I was preparing myself for the hardships to get harder and they bloody well did. I have been stripped of my obsessive compulsive daily exercise routine and my disordered ways and mind are so lost and in a state of grief and loss right now. The pain seems never ending. Typically, and wrongly, when people imagine OCD they assume it’s an obsessive compulsion to clean – it’s actually so much more and comes in so many forms. Here that assumption can help you understand my pain. Imagine how that stereotypical OCD sufferer would feel if they entered a room and are unable to tidy the mess, or unable to put anything in order – or worse yet, their tidiness and order had been deliberately messed up and made untidy. The distress is overwhelming. That is me right now. I could scream.

I tried to give up exercise completely and maybe have ONE day off but even in the pain I’m not allowed. I’ve cut down, but I feel more disgusting and hate myself even more for just doing that. I cannot stop.

This might be Gods way of trying to catapult me away from Anorexia and all the ties and restrictions that come with it, but I can’t comprehend why he couldn’t come up with a more subtle and gentle way. Thus far through my recovery I’ve been ill more times than I have in the entire 8 years this has gone on for. Perhaps another means of testing me and my life after recovery – I don’t know, but I do know that this ride and experience has been incredibly difficult and trying. I’m frequently told nowadays that I’m brave for going through this – maybe I am, but I certainly don’t feel it. Anorexia wouldn’t let me feel it. It feels like I’m abandoning a sick puppy or something equally as sweet and sour. It shouldn’t be done. Anorexia is part of me right now and its struggling to leave. With a decrease in my exercise routine Anorexia SCREAMS at me to decrease my intake – but I’m finally (give or take 300g) not in the ‘underweight; category anymore, and yeah, I guess it took some bloody hard work. It took me at least 4 months to even begin to make any small increases in my diet and now I’m struggling again to maintain that. I unfortunately adhered to Anorexia and did make a small decrease in my intake this week – but it shouldn’t make a massive difference (hopefully). It also shows me that Anorexia is still very much present and waiting for the right moment to come back fighting with all guns blazing. I’m not yet strong enough to fight off 100% of these thoughts, at the moment I’ve done well (I guess. Be realistic, Alessandra). I haven’t stopped eating, I haven’t skipped any meals. I’ve carried on. I’m still going to work. I’m still trying. That’s the important part. I’m still trying through all the distress and anxiety and pain. I’m still trying and I’m still here.

I may have cut myself, but I’ve not hit my head or tried to take my life. I suppose the fact I’m still here and haven’t done those things speaks volumes in their own ways.

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