Cba with new year new me. For me the ‘new year new me’ thing always arises around September time. That’s my natural life kick up the bum.
I deleted my socials because I was tired of fake likes from both fake people and fake accounts. I was tired of seeing the best version of others lives and also their ‘made for insta’ sob stories. Like, yeah, do you hun, but it’s wearing me out.
I like to use my Instagram to reach others and help, but as I find myself living life more it became harder to respond to messages I struggled to find the time to respond to when I actually used the app. So I just felt like stepping away. I always felt, even before social media, that I was the person people would come to for something but if I needed something that people were never there. And my socials sort of fit that tune. But enough of that. I wasn’t even here to mention social media.
I always seem to struggle in January. Whether it’s my job, my mental health, or living arrangements, I always find I tend to be a bit tired. And the first week or so of January proved the same for me.
I was tired of eating.
I was tired of feeling fat.
I was tired of feeling like I had no money.
I was tired of trying.
With recovery, every time I eat, I push. I push myself to eat, I push myself to get over the overwhelming feeling to not eat and I push myself toward a better. But as I’ve always said, it’s an uphill struggle. So after a good week and a half of eating totally different, I felt the effects when January came around.
Last night I really didn’t want to eat.
I don’t know where it came from. But by the time it got to 8.30pm I still hadnt eaten. It was eating away in my mind that I hadn’t but I didn’t have the energy to try and encourage myself to it. If I wasn’t going to get on board and eat then really, there’s not much hope.
Generally I’ve been eating more and that’s been great for recovery. I’ve been feeling more everyday like Anorexia was a thing of the past and something I was beginning to leave behind. But then last night made me remember to walk before I run.
I actually felt so exhausted and completely out of energy. I didn’t like it, but I felt comfortable in it – it was a feeling I’ve lived with many years so only felt normal to me. But I remembered I’m at the gym this morning, and it’s an intense class, I didn’t want to lose any energy during it or not be able to feel ready to take it.
I ate some chicken, some toast, some eggs. Then some Italian chocolate spread, Biscoff and chocolate.
So yeah, I went all in.
I felt my stomach twinge after, as if to say ‘why did you make me wait so long’. But it was a twinge to say also ‘thank you, I needed that’.
Recovery is about listening to what my body wants, too.
Recently I’ve came across Stephanie Buttermore, I’ve been watching her ‘All in’ videos. And by no means have I gone ‘all in’, when I said it previously, but her videos certainly helped me to eat last night. I don’t and haven’t suffered extreme hunger, not that I can remember anyway, but the way Stephanie recovers from that is to eat to fullness and to eat when her body is saying to. I find this entirely inspiring. The main different i noticed was how much more energy she had, and how much more life was behind her eyes and the happiness she emitted on camera. I don’t expect I’ll be eating 5000 calories a day anytime soon, but certainly a few extra to drive myself toward health
I don’t really know what the point of today’s blog is.
Maybe to say I’ve been feeling down, and I think that’s 100% ok. But also 100% up to me to change, and I’ve been trying the last two days (two days, I know, real good effort). And by trying I’ve been succeeding. But as I say, walk before you can run
Oh, and also. The quote I’ve seen loads the last few days ‘the more you control food, the more it controls you’ is definitely THE ONE