Fearlessness

anorexia, recovery

Fearlessness

I’ve been reading Gabbie Bernstein – The Universe Has Your Back. One of the things that stuck out for me was how we’re programmed to act with fear as opposed to love. How we choose to perceive things; through fear or love can effect the way we live our life.

So this week I tried to adopt the fearless mindset. And the actions I’ve taken would suggest I am now fearless. I’m here to look after myself, my mentality and my being. Sometimes in order to do that we have to put things at risk and we have to face up to the thoughts that Fear is telling us may happen.

But I was on the news back in February, if you recall. And February Alessandra had some really wise and great words of advice. ‘The only way we can stand up to bullies is with confidence and the only way to gain confidence is by pushing boundaries’. If we put Fear in place of the word bully it really gives this sentence a meaning to resonate with. The more we stand up to fear, the more confidence we gain and the more fearless we are and thus in turn acting more in the name of love.

I have a lot of love for my body and lingerie, and these two loves were never something I was able to harness. I’ve suffered with anorexia and my body became a consequence of a severe mental illness. I used to live in fear I wasn’t small enough. Or was too fat. Or that I didn’t deserve nice thoughts or things. After I left the ED Clinic I started standing up to Anorexia and I changed that fear toward my body and self into love. Now, I can’t be dishonest and say anorexia isn’t a big part of my life still – it is, I’ve just had a month off work on the sick because my illness was aggravated and my eating slipped and exercise took over. But I still continued to stand up to fear and love my body and treat myself to new underwear (and gym clothes 😴). And why did I continue to love myself through this blip? Because it’s aiding me in the battle to get better and be better than ever.

One thing I’ve always really pushed for people to do is be true to themselves and for me now that really is loving my body. I love lingerie. Clearly I love taking photos in that lingerie too. At first I was fearful – what would people think? Would my messages be overlooked? Then I met those questions with the answers of ‘I’m doing this for me, and if it helps others then they’re ready to be helped and they understand and that’s great’.

You’ve got to do you.

I say it with all my underwear photos – everything is temporary. So find that love for yourself, inside and out, now. Because things change. For me having that love has really kept me alive this last month because certain external things changed and my mentality inside pertaining to anorexia, anxiety and PTSD changed. But I’d done some groundwork and had a solid pillar of love already created so I’d built up a defence mechanism without realising.

The comeback is going to be more than worth the setback.

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Still feeling shit

anorexia, recovery

So I’ve been off. Out of alignment and out of sync with myself. My eating slipped and my exercising once again took over. I’d been feeling the slip for a while and for the last month had increasingly felt the effects of it.

I’ll be honest with you. It’s all down to me and only me. I build my life and create it the way I want. By allowing my illness more space in my mind it left my thoughts and body prey to the effects.

My anxiety rose. My mood lowered. My stomach hurt. My wishes of death were back. My body tired.

I knew it was coming and didn’t try hard as hard as I could to stop it. I allowed myself to feel alone, I allowed myself to restrict and I allowed unhealthy behaviours to come the norm. I started ignoring messages from more than just creepy and irrelevant boys and that for me was a bit of a wake up call. That’s when I knew I’d lost a bit of my motivation too

However.

Of course there’s a however, I am little miss positivity. And that right there is true.

Throughout it all I realise this period is temporary and only here to serve me one purpose – make me stronger. It’s taken me a while and I may still not be fully committed but I now focus on the comeback and not the fall.

I’ve had to take a fair few days off work to try and realign as I judged it too irresponsible of my self to go in and give half effort to both my work and self help work. It’s been needed and fortunately enough for me today and yesterday have been glorious sunshine.

The universe has sent me a big, sunny and shiny sign. I love the sun, I love to be tanned and I love to feel warm. As my sickness days increased I knew I wanted to put myself back in the place of feeling good, feeling ready and prepared for life.

And that was and is up to me.

I do spend time throughout my day looking for signs and synchronicities from the universe. Whenever I see a duplicated number or the word ‘Fernando’, I know I’m on the right path. Sometimes when I allow illness to shield and block my thoughts I forget that the universe has got my back and that everything happens for a reason, but it does and sometimes it’s writing it all down for me to see that helps me realise this. It’s proactively looking for a self comfort to remind me im on the right path

I literally spent all day yesterday taking photos of myself, making myself feel good and taking the time to acknowledge my thoughts, accepting them and letting the unnecessary ones go.

I’m trying to get back into my home routine of just being me, eating and enjoying my own time and company. With anorexia whenever there’s a small opening to take over, it’ll try. It’s weed it’s way in and then before you know it there’s an entire jungle in your mind. I’m really shit at keeping pretty plants and flowers alive so it’s only fitting that anorexia be an ever lasting weed.

I’d also been feeling lonely. Which is ironic because whenever I’m on social media I literally can’t move for the messages I get. But in my reality I felt a missing presence and longing for company. I realise now that I was missing myself as I’d become volatile, less attentive and more distracted. I quickly tried to remedy this and fortunately the love I’ve built toward myself hasn’t faltered, it’s still there. So this perhaps may be the quickest fix. This love for myself and my body and the fact through this last month of SHIT it hasn’t faltered proves to me how well I’m still doing and how much more live I’ve got left to live. This is only the beginning and the roads never straight but love and gratitude are two great emotions to harness and once i started to acknowledge and focus on those emotions things started to feel more aligned again for me.

My opinion on this ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ sort of post I’ve done here is that yes it’s ok not to be ok BUT ITS NOT OK TO NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. If you choose to sit and fester in your illness, your negativity, your bad situation or whatever then that’s you choosing to live it and choosing for it to be your life. If you’re getting help then you’re getting better and if you’re talking about it too then you’re getting better and giving better.

It really is all about what we do for ourselves; others can hold up the bridge but without the actual bridge THERE IS NO BRIDGE TO HOLD UP.

Love xoxox

And here’s the pics I took at the weekend that made me think ‘girl you need to start taking more photos of

yourself again cos ur gorge and we all need to see this’. and also pic of my bday party spread

I also had a birthday party. I find my birthday very difficult as growing up, and TIL last year, my core beliefs included ‘no one cares about me’ and my birthday always sort of proved that. So that added to my little down feeling stint, it really took it out of me. Even tho I had a party, the day after I still felt low. I still felt the effects of allowing anorexia into my mind. But I choose to look at the positives; I had a party, people came, we had fun, I ate pizza and cake and got presents and was entirely thankful for the event. And that’s what counts.

This was only meant to be a side note but I got carried away

Feeling Shit

anorexia, recovery

This week has been a funny one for me. I came home from work with illness on Monday afternoon and have yet to return. Granted its only Wednesday night, but still that’s a long enough time for me to know things got a bit too out of alignment for me.

I moved house, a massive upheaval and shake up of routine, almost two weeks ago now. And a major part in my anorexia, both recovery and suffering, is routine. Routine is key. Whilst I primarily managed I could slowly feel myself wobbling a touch when I was rebalancing.  Moving house requires patience, not everything is right at first instance, not everything is tidy and not everywhere feels like a certain home. So patience is a big player here. Patience is something I tend to get a bit touchy with, whilst it may be a virtue, a blessing and one of the biggest contributions toward living outside the ego, I do sometimes find myself at my wits end WAITING for things to happen.

So came Monday. Milo was due to go to his fathers for three days and I was already in a place of feeling anxious – I just hadn’t allowed myself to fully admit it yet. Off he went, quite happily, me quite heartbrokenly went off to work. And I managed, I really did, I got through ¾ of my shift and even my lunch break before I made the decision that my head really wasn’t in a place of feeling good, or well enough to carry on.

When my routine is threatened or when I find myself adjusting to new opportunities I try to do things that I enjoy and take my mind off it. I really enjoy going to the gym and more so the classes as no-one really knows me and I can forget entirely about anything that pertains to my life and being whilst I’m there. Only trouble with Anorexia and the gym is that once I start going I can’t stop. Or more so I don’t want to stop. It makes my head feel clearer and my body feel stronger, which is a good thing. But a constant worry enters my mind of whether or not it will go too far, or whether this is a healthy way of dealing with my changing surroundings. It may not be but I find this mechanism is temporary, I’ve been here before and it’s changed before. So whilst it’s here I choose to revel in the feeling of good and silence those worries.
BUT SIDENOTE, one thing I do think is a concern is the way people choose to comment on your body when they know you go to the gym. Regardless of exercise we still don’t know the level of someone’s physical or mental health so why do people feel the need to comment on it? It’s been commented on that I don’t sweat after a heavy gym class and the reason behind that most likely is that my body is still repairing itself after the battle of anorexia and not because I’m a super whiz machine who can do 343 back to back HIIT without breaking a sweat.

Going to the gym has tidied up my mind through this move as naturally moving house is quite an untidy business. And I hate living in unorganised mess. I’m all for organised mess, everything has its places and what not, but unorganised, unruly, unliveable boxes and hordes of stuff Is a no for me. Tidy house tidy mind. But again back to patience, these things work themselves out and boxes get put away. Whilst the feelings of mess and untidiness tried to seep into my system my thoughts of ‘everything is temporary’ fought back hard and whilst they kept me afloat for a while, something was still not syncing correctly.

I assumed moving into my own place, no cameras, paranoia or other people involved, would mean I felt immediately at home. But I didn’t, and I think this is where things weren’t syncing correctly. I’ve finally got a clock on the wall, a coat stand and another collage up and only now do I think it feels homely. It’s amazing what putting things on the wall and little bits of random furniture can do for the soul. I suppose this is the perfect example of ‘ill be happy when’. Except it wasn’t happiness I was placing on my new house, it was the feeling of home. For the last few months my owned property never truly felt like home, I always felt I was living on egg shells, playing somewhat of a Cinderella and trying to be absent as much as possible – for someone who is a home bird it was quite a tricky pill to swallow. It’s only in my departure do I realise that’s how I was feeling. Perhaps not all the time I’m as honest with my self-awareness as I should be, for all I do know myself, feelings and thoughts better than anyone else. I also need to start practising self-gratitude more and be thankful for all I have done and accomplished and that has brought me to the person I am today. Cos I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I am damn fucking amazing. HOWEVER, whilst that’s a belief of mine I don’t tell myself it enough. Typically when something new and positive happens I will congratulate myself, take a pic, post something on my story and watch it 24 hours later then it’s gone, that’s it. I give myself an Instagram Story timescale and it’s done.

I started writing this oddly enough because I walked down the stairs, looked at the little reception area, and walked into my kitchen and living room and everything actually felt like me and like a home. It felt cosy and cute, and alessandra. This is what I wanted. Its taken time, and I’m still not feeling 100% myself, but that too will take time and its best to not rush. The universe isn’t in a rush for me and it always has my back. On Sunday I asked the universe for a sign and within 30 minutes the universe delivered, a miracle – these things are natural don’t you know. In hindsight I should have bottled that feeling up but instead I fell prey to my illness and let it steer the wheel for a while even though very aware it was happening. I knew it was happening and I allowed it, things don’t just happen because I don’t want them too, in this particular moment and for the last couple of weeks I’ve felt like I needed a period of feeling down and feeling a bit dark, but that’s ok because life is EVERYTHING, its not just happy and its not just positive. It will only mean I embrace the good feelings more and feel the good feelings more, so if anything I’m quite glad I’ve been feeling shit – wot u saaayyyinnn’

BEING YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

anorexia, recovery

So in my single girl ness I’ve learned to become my own best friend. I’ve always been the type of person to have multiple friendship groups and just go from one to another, and I’ve always liked it like that. However in previous times It would’ve played on an old core belief that no one loved me and I’d have struggled to find comfort within my own mind as I felt I didn’t fit in anywhere. BUT LOOK AT ME NOW.

Today’s post is aiming to focus around bigging yourself up. The last week I’ve taken multiple photos of myself and to be perfectly honest I think I look bloody GORGE in most of them, I think I look really pretty and happy. I’m happy with myself. I’m very aware a lot of people seem to struggle with showing this sort of confidence in relation to themselves or being their own biggest fan but I’m here to say SORT YOURSELF THE FUCK OUT. We’ve got the tools right at our fingertips to create our own best friend and biggest fan. I know myself better than anyone else, I know what I like and I know how I feel and how I think so why wouldn’t I try to make all of that positive for me and make myself feel better and great about myself? Its redundant relying on someone else to make me feel super grand and gorgeous when the secret here is to discover the feeling of feeling AMAZING and embracing it, remembering it and making myself feel that way whenever I want to. The feeling lies within me, not someone else. It’s not too dissimilar to the point of being happy NOW and not WHEN.

You see cheesy quotes on Instagram all the time about this, that the greatest love affair you’ll have is the one with yourself. But my god, it’s true. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with me and see what other grand, crazy adventures I embark on and just how much impact I can make on the world. See, if I don’t think this way it won’t happen. If I think I can then I can. And if I think I can’t then I can’t. The power is in the thinking. By becoming my own BMFL it means I don’t rely on others for validation or affirmation and I can be more myself than ever before. I’m not here to please anyone or look a certain way for others, I’m here to be the best version of me that I can be and the only person who can validate that for me, is ME. We really do rule our own lives and our dreams are whatever we make them.

One of my favourite ways to big myself up is simply to just be myself, I’m think I’m dead interesting. I really do, there’s no shame in that so please please please try feeling the same about you because you are 100% the most interesting person in your life. When I’m being myself I’m confident, I’m happy and im me so naturally the good feelings follow on and my vibration is raised. I’m being true to myself and by doing so being the best version of me which in turn is a self confidence boost.  When we’re focused on our physical beings I tend to push forth a technique I learned once I’d left the eating disorder clinic. I like to look at the things I may be feeling not so positive about and look at them with kind eyes – just like how my dog would look at me, I like to take a step back and see the negative as an opportunity for the positive to seep in. The way to live your best life Is to realise its YOUR best life, no one else’s. Sure, someone can call me pretty and I think ‘OMG THAT’S SO LOVELY YAY’. But another person could also say I’m pretty and I think ‘OMG YOURE SO WRONG IM SO UGLY’. It’s entirely up to me how I respond to outside factors, so it’s entirely up to me how I choose to live my life and how much happiness I choose to create.

When we grow up we’re taught to treat others how we would want to be treat but often forget to carry on treating ourselves that correct and loving way. If we think of that sentence about treating others right I think it’s important to really think about how we do treat others and take it a step above and beyond when we’re treating ourselves.  Go the further mile for yourself, do something absolutely EXTRA to make yourself feel good. Be your own best friend because then life really starts to be amazing and the world opens up to you.

Am I making sense here? Because basically, fuck everyone else and just get on with your own lovely, gorgeous lives and create a world of happiness and bliss and WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, because you can and it’s up to you and no-one else. If you want something, go for it. If you don’t, then don’t. Do whatever you want to make you happy.  (just plz don’t kill anyone)

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(hey look a collage of all them photos i was on about, HEY SANDI GURL YOU LOOK GREAT) – see its easy, be nice to you xo

It is what it is

anorexia, recovery

I’m writing this to acknowledge it’s been a whole year now since I was last weighed. This is something I used to do daily, sometimes twice a day. My worth and days relied solely on that number.
I’m also writing this to talk myself down, I’m having a fat day and I think today I’m huge and that my body is utterly disgusting and vile. Anorexia is loud today, of course – the law of attraction, I’ve spent the week talking about Anorexia so it’s only natural it’s reared its ugly head today. I’ve done the worst things: I’ve looked at old photos and compared. I’ve tried on clothes and focused on how differently they fit me, and I’ve let it intercept my mind-set. Anorexia, in my eyes, is a lifetime illness. I learn to cope better and jump the hurdles it presents; I try to see these challenges as opportunities. I find Anorexia, in its recovery, tends to fly under the radar for a while, always there but never prominent. Then when the time strikes, when life gets pressured, BAM it back, loud and proud all self-hate and food-restricting tendencies and thought patterns present.

But.

BUT. BUT. BUT.

I shall try heeding my own advice.
Everything is temporary. With my body I have lessened restriction so it’s changing all the time. I’m still going to the gym regularly and getting stronger all the time, so again my body is changing all the time. As I point out in my talks I’ve gained HEALTH; physically and mentally. I need to focus on that. I’ve gained MYSELF back.

Days like today happen, they happen for us all. Whether we count them as ‘fat’ days or ‘bad’ days, they happen. Sometimes the momentum we lose when we sleep of the day past settles in a different direction but it’s about remembering that the contrast in that day doesn’t mean we’re off our path, it means we’re on our path just going in a different direction to teach us something new about ourselves and help us grow further.

In reality what do I want? I want to be happy. Have I been happier over the last few months than I have in the last 10 years? YES. I’ve been restricting less, eating more and living more. I’ve done many, many great and AMAZING things. Things I know I wouldn’t have been able to do whilst I was ill, or whilst I was still restricting as heavily as I was – that lasted until December last year.
Last night I held my second Alessandra and Anorexia talk and it was really great, I’m on the right path and every day I work more toward getting there but today I accept my head needs a day to have a tantrum or a paddy, I’m a bit of a drama queen after all. The moments of darker seem a lot more dark and despairing before but they’re also a lot shorter and pass quicker than ever before.

My main point here, because I know I post a lot of body positive posts and love yourself quotes, is that we can’t be ok 100% of the time, with my body image i sit ok around 70-85% of the time . Life happens. BUT its choosing to see these types of days as just that – days. It is what it is. I have Anorexia and I’ve gained weight (the ultimate betrayal of the illness) so of course I’m going to have days like today. They’re just days and part of life. It’s the way I decide to let this day impact tomorrow that really matters.

FINALLY AND FURTHERMORE WHEN WE EXPERIENCE CONTRAST – WHICH HAPPENS, WE MUST TRY TO HOLD OURSELVES IN THE PLACE OF FEELING GOOD BECAUSE THE FEELING IS THE SECRET. If we practise these feelings they eventually manifest naturally.
So I’m going to try focus on the fact that I HAVENT WEIGHED MYSELF IN A GOD DAMN FUCKING YEAR (ok im 12 days early but still) AND IVE GIVEN TWO TALKS THIS WEEK WHERE I’VE STOOD IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AND BEEN TOTALLY AT EASE, CONFIDENT AND COMFORTABLE. ME! That’s a lass who two weeks ago had a panic attack because the anxiety in my head was just way too much. And also focus on the internal me, the things that make me me and that make me proud to be me. I looked in the mirror earlier without any clothes on and you know what I don’t look fat, so Anorexia just shut the fuck up xoxoxoxo

and heres just some photos of me looking dead happy with myself and actually taking photos of myself and my body cos im ok a high percentage of the time and this is what freedom looks like to me

Body Image

anorexia, recovery

Body Image and me.

I’ve had an extremely rocky relationship with my body. It’s only now, in my recovery of Anorexia, am I able to look upon my body with kind eyes and a mind that tells me I’m so much more than this physical being.

Pre recovery life my body was sad, shrunken, under nourished and not well. The unhappiness ran through my veins, inhabited my blood and took over my mind set. My physical image represented a small portion of how I was feeling inside. I was never happy with how I looked, Anorexia wouldn’t allow that. Nothing is good enough for Anorexia. Even as I spent years controlling everything being put into my body and the exercise trying to burn it off, my mind set toward myself never changed.

It wasn’t until I learned to #BeBodyKind was it that I was able to start to change my relationship with myself. For me, being kind to myself meant eating. But beginning to eat with less restriction and allowing myself to do so. I love food, I really do, so having Anorexia really is heart-breaking for me but the way to win and succeed is to BE KIND and to allow myself what I want.
It can be difficult as Anorexia tries to shoot me down but I try to see these ‘challenges’ as ‘opportunities’. They provide me with the opportunity to learn and to grow and to learn how to love myself. I accept that this body I have will always change; everything is temporary, and I’m thankful for how that body is today. I believe that being thankful is one of the best things I can do to accept myself and have a better body image. Gratitude is the great multiplier.
The less I restrict, the more I step outside my comfort zone and the more I do that the more confidence I gain in life.

Currently my body image runs much deeper than what’s on the outside because I believe we’re immortal spiritual beings living a temporary human experience and these bodies are forever changing. So whilst it’s here, I am thankful today for the body I have – it’s beautiful and works in crazy ways to keep my heart beating and to keep letting me know I’m alive (which is also amazing because there’s been many times where I hated myself and my life and didn’t want to be alive). I am thankful that this body holds my being, which is great. I love the person that I am and am never afraid of myself or who I am. I think being true to myself has also greatly helped in my body image as I’ve learned fully to accept who I am and again believe everything is temporary so I’m thankful for what I have today.
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Gratitude really is the great multiplier, and the more good vibrations we put out the more we get back. So the more we’re kind to our bodies, the more kindness we get back so in turn our body image becomes higher and more positive.

Remember, be patient; learning to love ourselves takes time. Be positive; it’ll come back to you. And use perspective; are you really looking and judging yourself with kind eyes and heart?

Love you and you will love you back. It’s a fool proof calculation; you just need to do some of the working out.

Let it go

anorexia, recovery

You don’t have to feel good all the time. It’s ok to allow your negative emotions – Amy Westmoreland

Allow emotions to go through and let them go, don’t think they matter on your journey upwards.

With the law of attraction It makes people think you’ve got to be happy all the time – you don’t. The happiest people are the ones who realise it’s ok to be unhappy. When you stop resisting you bounce back so much faster.

We judge ourselves too much and resist too much. Instead we should be going with the flow, allowing those negative emotions and then letting them go.

Tonight I don’t want to go out. The feelings of not going out started to manifest around mid week, I have a busy month ahead of me – both physically and mentally and I’d already taken the back end of the week off work to prepare my mind and refocus after some anxiety and worry manifested itself. So naturally for me I could see me needing Sunday as a day for ME, MYSELF AND I.

My house is free

My diary is free

I can breathe easy

Of course I get the doubt of saying no. And of course with it some guilt. I’m aware a lot of people feel bad when they no to an event or invitation, especially if the reason for the declination is because they’re feeling particularly anxious, nervous or worried.

But it’s ok.

We’re allowed to FEEL.

What we need to do is listen and evaluate.

I always found that when I felt anxious about something that figuring it and going to the event made the next one easier. The resistance toward going wasn’t a full force within me.

However that being said I find now I have to listen more carefully, am I feeling resistance or anxiety?

The answer here really is to listen to myself, to tune into my frequency and come up with an answer. It’s not difficult for me, as I’m now in a place where I can go with the flow.

Even if I feel a doubt or guilt in retracting my attendance I’m now aware that when I do it’s for the right reasons and that I’m ALLOWED TO FEEL.

By allowing these emotions they pass quicker. But also in allowing them, I accept them but do not dwell on them.

If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it.

And if you do want to do something, DO IT.

Listen to the universe around you, what’s it telling you? Are you meant to be doing what you’re doing?

When I felt resistance in the past it was heavy, frustrating, like a volcano about to erupt and a constant lump in my throat. Everything outside seemed dark and dreary and that manifested on the inside too.

My soul wasn’t being looked after.

So I let go.

I cut ties.

I released the anchors.

And I lifted, I lightened and went with the flow.

I’d like to note that going with the flow doesn’t just mean sitting back, relaxing and doing sweet fuck all.

We make our own life. So it’s imperative to listen to our soul and go forth with what it wants.

By letting go and listening we’re on for a greater future.

In relation to Anorexia in my recovery I adopt a ‘let it go’ approach. When that voice creeps up, I hear it, I acknowledge it, I try my best to not valid it, and I let it go. It no longer serves me and no longer makes for a better future.

When I look at my body now I look for THE GOOD, not the bad, I let the bad feelings and thoughts go so they can make space for the good. When I looked in the mirror this morning I said to myself that my thighs were looking good. Through my recovery my thighs have been a body part Ive subject to a lot of negativity and resistance. When I was underweight they were classic underweight person thighs and I used to be proud of that (incorrectly of me). So growing myself inside and out meant my thighs changed shape, I have previously taken knives and scissors to my thighs the resistance got that much. However, everything is temporary and those feelings didn’t last forever. When they silenced I was able to take a step back, realise they didn’t serve me and let them go.

My thighs are MINE, so regardless what they look like I am proud of them.

Proud of the positive and letting go of the negative.

But when the negative arises, it’s ok, it will happen. I let it go and it happens less or gets easier the next time.

(Sweet but psycho. Went through a massive phase of resistance and negatives toward those curls, but fuck that they serve me IMMENSELY)

Finally please, remember, everything is temporary

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. THANK YOU LOVE YOU BYE XXXXXXXX