New Year New Me

anorexia, recovery

Fuck off.

Cba with new year new me. For me the ‘new year new me’ thing always arises around September time. That’s my natural life kick up the bum.

I deleted my socials because I was tired of fake likes from both fake people and fake accounts. I was tired of seeing the best version of others lives and also their ‘made for insta’ sob stories. Like, yeah, do you hun, but it’s wearing me out.

I like to use my Instagram to reach others and help, but as I find myself living life more it became harder to respond to messages I struggled to find the time to respond to when I actually used the app. So I just felt like stepping away. I always felt, even before social media, that I was the person people would come to for something but if I needed something that people were never there. And my socials sort of fit that tune. But enough of that. I wasn’t even here to mention social media.

I always seem to struggle in January. Whether it’s my job, my mental health, or living arrangements, I always find I tend to be a bit tired. And the first week or so of January proved the same for me.

I was tired of eating.

I was tired of feeling fat.

I was tired of feeling like I had no money.

I was tired of trying.

With recovery, every time I eat, I push. I push myself to eat, I push myself to get over the overwhelming feeling to not eat and I push myself toward a better. But as I’ve always said, it’s an uphill struggle. So after a good week and a half of eating totally different, I felt the effects when January came around.

Last night I really didn’t want to eat.

I don’t know where it came from. But by the time it got to 8.30pm I still hadnt eaten. It was eating away in my mind that I hadn’t but I didn’t have the energy to try and encourage myself to it. If I wasn’t going to get on board and eat then really, there’s not much hope.

Generally I’ve been eating more and that’s been great for recovery. I’ve been feeling more everyday like Anorexia was a thing of the past and something I was beginning to leave behind. But then last night made me remember to walk before I run.

I actually felt so exhausted and completely out of energy. I didn’t like it, but I felt comfortable in it – it was a feeling I’ve lived with many years so only felt normal to me. But I remembered I’m at the gym this morning, and it’s an intense class, I didn’t want to lose any energy during it or not be able to feel ready to take it.

So

I ate.

I ate some chicken, some toast, some eggs. Then some Italian chocolate spread, Biscoff and chocolate.

So yeah, I went all in.

I felt my stomach twinge after, as if to say ‘why did you make me wait so long’. But it was a twinge to say also ‘thank you, I needed that’.

Recovery is about listening to what my body wants, too.

Recently I’ve came across Stephanie Buttermore, I’ve been watching her ‘All in’ videos. And by no means have I gone ‘all in’, when I said it previously, but her videos certainly helped me to eat last night. I don’t and haven’t suffered extreme hunger, not that I can remember anyway, but the way Stephanie recovers from that is to eat to fullness and to eat when her body is saying to. I find this entirely inspiring. The main different i noticed was how much more energy she had, and how much more life was behind her eyes and the happiness she emitted on camera. I don’t expect I’ll be eating 5000 calories a day anytime soon, but certainly a few extra to drive myself toward health

I don’t really know what the point of today’s blog is.

Maybe to say I’ve been feeling down, and I think that’s 100% ok. But also 100% up to me to change, and I’ve been trying the last two days (two days, I know, real good effort). And by trying I’ve been succeeding. But as I say, walk before you can run

Oh, and also. The quote I’ve seen loads the last few days ‘the more you control food, the more it controls you’ is definitely THE ONE

Christmas in Recovery

anorexia, recovery

Christmas can be daunting. For me it isn’t the abundance of food but the shake up of routine and the stepping out of my comfort zone that I can find trouble with. But I managed. I enjoyed. I lived. – as I have done every year I’ve been alive I’d would like to add.

We don’t grow in our comfort zones, and I’m desperate to grow. I’m already pretty strong, life’s throw some funny curveballs my way and I’m still here to crack a joke about them so I think my track record proves it.

I know for some people the amount of food and being surrounded by food can be a struggle, but honestly it’s such an opportunity. It’s probably one of the on times of year that food comes so easily infront of us. It makes stepping out of the comfort zone a lot easier, the struggle to get there may still be the same but the means to do it are already prepared and waiting for us.

For me, it’s eating non packaged and home prepared food. I lived by the calorie counter for so many years, it’s a difficult habit to break. So when I’m presented with a food I haven’t made nor do I know what’s in it, panic infiltrates my mind. But, like I said, Christmas is a time for opportunity, the opportunity is there present and prepped for me. All I need to do is take it.

So I did. And I do.

Everyday is a chance and an opportunity to grow outside your comfort zone. Sometimes with eating disorders these opportunities need to be created and that can sometimes be exhausting, but at Christmas the opportunities are already there so it makes sense to take them and to grow.

Before Christmas i started eating more. I’ve been eating more for around 3 months now. And I’ve even got to a point where only god knows how many calories I’m consuming – this is a major success for me and my eating disorder recovery. I’ve also eaten most of my meals this week at Connors house – this again is a massive step. None of the food I ate I prepared myself. This is probably the biggest success. For four days in a row I let someone else make my food, I wasn’t pedantic nor concerned about how or what was going into the food, I just knew I was at a time in my life and with someone in my life where I want a good future without an eating disorder – and these things are the only way to do it. My boundaries are being pushed almost everyday. And yesterday, when I was at home, on a sick day, alone, I felt a bit down. I think this was because I was disappointed the day wasn’t there for pushing boundaries… so I created them to push. I went to Connors with an empty stomach knowing I would need to eat something. And so I did. To some people going to your boyfriends and eating chicken bake and chips is as easy as breathing. For anyone with or recovering from an eating disorder it’s a huge hurdle. And ykno what, I did it. I had a very small ‘I can’t do it’ moment. But then I did it. I ate the lot – naturally, I am Italian. And felt nothing negative after.

The thing is, I had Connor with me throughout all of these events. And whilst we can’t place the responsibility of recovery on another person, I fully believe their being can help us see why we need to recover for ourselves.

I wouldn’t be recovering if it wasn’t for me. I need to recover because I want to, and I do. I learned that a year ago and at some point along the way I stopped wanting to recover because I didn’t want me. Then I met Connor and remembered why I wanted to recover and he gave me 2747372 reasons more to do so. I have a life and a future to live, and one to live with someone I think deserves the world – I can’t give him the world if I’m at home crying over a ham and egg salad, can I?

And I don’t just want to recover to see him, and others, happy. I want to recover because I want to be happy WITH them.

Life is about love. Living in love. Being in love. Growing in love. So if someone else loves you, let that remind you of how to love yourself if you’ve forgotten. And if you don’t already know how; listen and learn how to love yourself from them.

All these situations and feelings are temporary anyway. So we may aswell live in love and not fear, fear is a waste of sweat and worry. Be happy in the now and don’t focus on the how and why. This is probably my greatest lesson on how to love yourself, I learned how to do this around the beginning of the year and I came along leaps and bounds. I may have forgotten the lesson through the year but that’s only normal. I’m doing what I can now to be happy now. And to live a happier and healthier life.

And P.S: anyone looking to eat more… I’ve been eating at least 1.5 times more than I was before I met Connor, and my body hasn’t blown up like a balloon. It’s become stronger and healthier ; to be perfectly honest there’s little change except some muscle growth because I go to the gym. So we know eating more won’t make us 20 stone heavier. So let’s just keep trying it.

Recovery

anorexia, recovery

I’m winning the war at the minute, but blood is being lost. Anorexia recovery is an uphill battle, with many falls back down the hill along the way.

I wrote this post because I really want people to understand how difficult and what’s entailed in recovery of anorexia. This is just one part of it. I haven’t touched on changing my routine, exercise or any of the other parts of recovery. But this one is sometimes hard to explain to people who may not struggle with eating.

There’s so many different ways I can describe it. To me it’s the most frustrating and difficult thing I ever try to do. I’m literally trying to change the habit of a lifetime. I’ve tried to compare it to quitting smoking, naively as I don’t smoke. It’s the same as smoking in the sense you know it’s bad for you but you’re firmly addicted. It’s about breaking the addiction. But by trying the break the addiction I’m met with a whole array of difficult feelings.

Have you ever eaten so much it hurts? And then eaten so much you felt sick with not only the amount of food but yourself after? The answer here may be no, but if you imagine those feelings that’s what eating an extra 10 calories a day can do to me. And to recover from anorexia, I need to be eating a lot more than 10 calories a day and doing this every single day.

So that means those feelings are there, every single day. Not only am I battling to eat an amount of food that’s required for my body but I’m battling the feelings and thoughts that are attached to it. The war is constant and unrelenting, the only way to accrue any silence or peace is to go backwards and that’s not something I want to do. So to continue forward I deal with a constant loud scream in my head and overwhelmingly emotions against myself and body

If I’m being honest, in the last month or so my body hasn’t changed in the way Anorexia leads me to think it has. I’ve grown stronger from going to the gym but that’s about it. All my clothes still fit the same and really if there is a difference it’s barely noticeable. But Anorexia shouts loudly; I had a slice of pizza and some smiley face (potato faces for those non English folk), I never used to eat past 7 o’clock and I never would ever have just had those items randomly because I simply wanted to, but on Wednesday I did.

On Thursday I awoke feeling 20 stone heavier. It may sound dramatic, but it’s real. Not only did my body feel heavy, but my mind and body too. Anorexia, ironically, weighs me down. It’s like an anchor plugged deep into the bottom of the ocean – I know it can move, but the strength to do so is a waiting game.

Last night we went out for Sushi; something I’ve never tried before (that’s a challenge) and we went out after 7pm (that’s another challenge). Going out for food is still a very new thing to me, sitting in a restaurant surrounded by people and food can be extremely overwhelming to anyone, not just eating disorder sufferers. During the afternoon I had a bit of a panic. The feelings I’ve previously explained were strife and the thought of eating more was weighing me down. But after a pep talk from Gods Gift to Alessandra (that’ll be Connor btw), my mood started to elevate. I may have had a pep talk, one I’m very grateful for, but no one can make me do anything. The only way I am to win this battle is to do it myself and to want to do it. Fortunately for me I have a lot of support from Gods Gift to Alessandra. To anyone in that restaurant I looked super normal (asides from being drop dead gorgeous). I was out in a little group of 4 just enjoying food and life. I’m not gonna lie, being there was easy, once I let it be. I always lived by the mantra ‘fake it til you make it’, and I guess last night I was planning on doing that – but it wasn’t the case. I wasn’t faking anything, I just did. Occasions like this are what build the strength to remove that anchor and throw away the oars of the anorexia ship. So I guess one of the things I learned through Anorexia, perseverance, is key here. I must persevere and I must eat new and nice food (please take me out for dinner).

It’s December now so I’m assuming like the rest of the world you’ve seen Waitrose’s Christmas Advert. If you haven’t, then google. But what I’m thankful writing about here is the song behind the advert. When I first watched the advert I cried a river and I think hearing the song coincide with the adverts events that really got me. It’s a beautiful little tune, one I didn’t know the lyrics to at all. But this week that version came onto Spotify, I downloaded it, and listened, a lot.

The song really reminds me of recovery. ‘It’s time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars, forever’. That to me is Anorexia, if I threw the oars away then I disable it. The ship has docked at the port of LIFE. And then there’s no going back.

There’s also the main line of ‘I can’t fight this feeling anymore, I forgotten what I started fighting for’. And that again, reminds me directly of recovery. Why did I start fighting recovery? What is the reason for me even allowing anorexia in my life?

Anorexia started out as a friend, something I would comfort myself with on the cold, dark winters nights. But it grew stronger. (Yeah; see what I did there, kept in line with the lyrics again, BOOM). But it became resoundedly unhealthy. And just like the song, when I wander, when I walk through life, I’ve kept Anorexia in sight and in reach.*** But it’s time to let it go. Whether that be this year (we can ask for miracles), or next year or five years time, it’ll happen. It’ll happen because I’m fighting. It’ll happen because I have 6 bags of ‘sharing crisps’ in my cupboard and they’ll all be empty within 5 days max. It’ll happen because I’m gonna have kids and stuff. It’ll happen because I want it to.

Lastly, to anyone reading this who may be suffering, take advantage of Christmas in your recovery. Food is available in abundance – abundance is positive. It isn’t an overwhelming amount of food, it’s a whole range of opportunity and choices. Food is a beauty of life to be enjoyed and Christmas is an EASY time to do it because it’s so easily available. It took me years to see that, but if you allow yourself to go with the eating flow it becomes easier. Trust me.

****im aware the song isn’t about a toxic relationship and it’s pretty full of love, but FUCK IT, that’s how I wanted to hear it.

Also PS soz the paragraphs do whatever the fuck they want, when I paste it on from notes it goes CRAZY

Love and Fear

anorexia, recovery

We don’t grow in our comfort zones – I feel this should be common knowledge. Our confidence can’t grow or be gained and we certainly can’t win any battles or wars.

About three months ago, I’d been solidly living in restriction, my comfort zone and a routine. Three things that are really no good when trying to overcome Anorexia. Physically, I became tired, irritable and I lost weight.

I hadn’t realised my weight had slipped until last week, I tried on a pair of jeans I hadn’t worn in over three months and they were so loose around my waist. It’s always a shock to anyone suffering with anorexia when we see we’ve lost weight; Anorexia leads us to believe no weight is being lost and we need to push ourselves further and restrict more to lose the weight.

So seeing this decrease in size shocked me.

However, I’ve had a good couple of weeks off work, on the sick, to battle this. I’ve spent the last month eating more.

We don’t gain, or lose, weight overnight.

As I’m eating more my frustrations grow, I’ve had panic attacks, bouts of stomach pain and many many tears. But I’m winning. For me eating more is like learning to breathe another way – normally we breathe through our nose and mouth. But now it’s like someone covered up those points, I’m suffocating, I need to find a new way to breathe.

And I’m sure I will. I’ve done it before. The difference this time is I’m more equipped with the methods of living my life in LOVE and not fear.

As a person I like to think I’m full of love. I always struggled to love myself. But now times are changing. I eat more because I love myself more and because I want myself to have a future. I want marriage and kids and these things can’t be fully enjoyed if I’m ill.

Around about two months ago I met my boyfriend, Connor. – God bless him cos he’ll be reading this going ‘AW THATS ME’. And everyday I’m thankful he’s come into my life. The love between us is like the sort of thing you see on the tv, it’s magical. But for me it really is. I didn’t think there was a person in this world who could be a partner in my life or who could take on the load of Anorexia and still love me the entire world for it. But here we are and there he is.

This is why we must live in love and not fear. And lads and lasses, FYI, as Gavin Shipmam said –

Once you know, you know.

I love Connor, obviously. Buts it’s this love that helps drives me through these challenges with Anorexia. Because I finally believe I have a person in my life that I deserve and because I love them, when I’m going into these challenges or when I’m eating more on a daily basis, the fear is quietened.

Now that, that is a superpower I tell you.

Anorexia is essentially a fear illness. Fear of weight gain, fear of loss of control, fear of food, fear of life.

For the universe to present to me a person who I love and makes me realise I am love, is a massive sign. I’m meant to be here and I’m meant to get over this. If not for us, but for you and anyone reading this. For those girls and boys who message me and tell me they’re not eating well or coping.

I’m meant to get over this to help you. What I’ve found is that with the right support, we can soar, we can really fly with life. And that’s all I want to do, be the right support for others so they can get through this too

You want a pizza me??

anorexia, recovery

Things are always changing, everything is temporary

I’m in a new phase of life where I want a future. A happy and healthy one. I’m currently breaking out and away from obsessive compulsive routines and focusing my life on love and living in love not fear.

I usually stand in kitchen, for two hours a day, and step on the spot. It’s a form of OCD. I’ve done it everyday for 3 years. Until Monday. I didn’t do a single on the spot step. Was it difficult? No. Was it easy? Easier than expected. But I was living my day through love and not fear, I was spending the day with someone I love and someone who helps me through this. But not only that, I was trying to live with love FOR MYSELF. And that really drove me to get to the end of the day and be ok.

Currently, this week, I’ve not been doing as many steps as previous days and years. Anorexia is fighting hard but I’m fighting harder. Honestly, I’ve been exercising too much and eating far too little. I’ve been allowing circumstances to become excuses to eat less or exercise more – I know this isn’t right. I know this isn’t winning recovery. It’s a part of recovery but not providing me with a stability in my health or emotions for living my best life.

So I’m changing that.

Eating more and exercising less. Letting my body be heard and my mind be positive

Is life for restricting? No. Is life for living? Yes

And how does one live? By pushing boundaries and growing. By doing so we become stronger, we become more powerful, we can take over the world.

There’s always a boundary to push. There’s always a comfort zone to step outside of; we grow outside our comfort zones and we learn and life more, too

As a person I’m always growing now. There’s always a new boundary to push or a new situation to be handled. I handle everything a lot better than I did before and I really do try to maintain a certain level of rationality detached from anorexia. As I come to the end of this year I realise I’ve had anorexia in my life for 10 years now, next week will be the anniversary of one of the most rememberable weeks of my life – and not for good reasons. It brings back the memory of me realising I had an eating disorder. I was in Rome on a college trip and my teacher cornered a friend of mine in a lift and grilled her on what I had, or hadn’t, been eating. It then transpired her daughter had been inpatient and she’d noticed a lot of those symptoms with me.

Of course I’m thankful for that week but if it’s to teach us anything it’s that patience is a virtue and everything happens at the right time.

It may be a whole ten years later but it’s now that I’m finally looking into the future and thinking me and anorexia won’t be together for it all. There’s a new feeling and mindset in my life and it’s love.

I’ve been saying it for the last few months but I’m now really trying to embody it – live in love and not in fear.

Every morning for the last year I’ve listened to a morning meditation and prayer from Abraham Hicks. There’s a LOAD of great phrases within the prayer b just two I want to pick out today.

They say the words;

the vibrations that I sense, the vibrations that I’m tuned to’.

Now this is a great excerpt. It’s great because it shows that no matter what the situation is, it’s up to US to tune ourselves into the frequency and feelings that we want to feel. – I just ate a massive meat loaded and cheese drowned calorific pizza and washed it down with a load of red wine, am I going to feel bad, am I going to feel and hear anorexia?? No. I choose to feel and sense the love. The love for myself, my body and my life. I choose how I feel.

And this leads us to one of the last parts of the prayer and probs my fave line. It’s one I wish I could remember when things get messy in my head.

It will be my dominant intent to hold myself in the place of feeling good’

If you mean it, you feel it. If it’s your intent then it can happen.

You know what. To summarise. If I can eat wine and pizza after having eaten a load of choc and shit through the day and increasing my calories through the day then I can save the fucking world. But if I can do all that without smashing my head off a fridge or taking sharp objects to myself then anyone else can do ANYTHING EVER. We’re all great. So great. SO SO SO FUCKING GREAT. We just all deserve to know that and feel it

(Summary wasn’t as short and sweet as planned)

Fearlessness

anorexia, recovery

Fearlessness

I’ve been reading Gabbie Bernstein – The Universe Has Your Back. One of the things that stuck out for me was how we’re programmed to act with fear as opposed to love. How we choose to perceive things; through fear or love can effect the way we live our life.

So this week I tried to adopt the fearless mindset. And the actions I’ve taken would suggest I am now fearless. I’m here to look after myself, my mentality and my being. Sometimes in order to do that we have to put things at risk and we have to face up to the thoughts that Fear is telling us may happen.

But I was on the news back in February, if you recall. And February Alessandra had some really wise and great words of advice. ‘The only way we can stand up to bullies is with confidence and the only way to gain confidence is by pushing boundaries’. If we put Fear in place of the word bully it really gives this sentence a meaning to resonate with. The more we stand up to fear, the more confidence we gain and the more fearless we are and thus in turn acting more in the name of love.

I have a lot of love for my body and lingerie, and these two loves were never something I was able to harness. I’ve suffered with anorexia and my body became a consequence of a severe mental illness. I used to live in fear I wasn’t small enough. Or was too fat. Or that I didn’t deserve nice thoughts or things. After I left the ED Clinic I started standing up to Anorexia and I changed that fear toward my body and self into love. Now, I can’t be dishonest and say anorexia isn’t a big part of my life still – it is, I’ve just had a month off work on the sick because my illness was aggravated and my eating slipped and exercise took over. But I still continued to stand up to fear and love my body and treat myself to new underwear (and gym clothes 😴). And why did I continue to love myself through this blip? Because it’s aiding me in the battle to get better and be better than ever.

One thing I’ve always really pushed for people to do is be true to themselves and for me now that really is loving my body. I love lingerie. Clearly I love taking photos in that lingerie too. At first I was fearful – what would people think? Would my messages be overlooked? Then I met those questions with the answers of ‘I’m doing this for me, and if it helps others then they’re ready to be helped and they understand and that’s great’.

You’ve got to do you.

I say it with all my underwear photos – everything is temporary. So find that love for yourself, inside and out, now. Because things change. For me having that love has really kept me alive this last month because certain external things changed and my mentality inside pertaining to anorexia, anxiety and PTSD changed. But I’d done some groundwork and had a solid pillar of love already created so I’d built up a defence mechanism without realising.

The comeback is going to be more than worth the setback.

Still feeling shit

anorexia, recovery

So I’ve been off. Out of alignment and out of sync with myself. My eating slipped and my exercising once again took over. I’d been feeling the slip for a while and for the last month had increasingly felt the effects of it.

I’ll be honest with you. It’s all down to me and only me. I build my life and create it the way I want. By allowing my illness more space in my mind it left my thoughts and body prey to the effects.

My anxiety rose. My mood lowered. My stomach hurt. My wishes of death were back. My body tired.

I knew it was coming and didn’t try hard as hard as I could to stop it. I allowed myself to feel alone, I allowed myself to restrict and I allowed unhealthy behaviours to come the norm. I started ignoring messages from more than just creepy and irrelevant boys and that for me was a bit of a wake up call. That’s when I knew I’d lost a bit of my motivation too

However.

Of course there’s a however, I am little miss positivity. And that right there is true.

Throughout it all I realise this period is temporary and only here to serve me one purpose – make me stronger. It’s taken me a while and I may still not be fully committed but I now focus on the comeback and not the fall.

I’ve had to take a fair few days off work to try and realign as I judged it too irresponsible of my self to go in and give half effort to both my work and self help work. It’s been needed and fortunately enough for me today and yesterday have been glorious sunshine.

The universe has sent me a big, sunny and shiny sign. I love the sun, I love to be tanned and I love to feel warm. As my sickness days increased I knew I wanted to put myself back in the place of feeling good, feeling ready and prepared for life.

And that was and is up to me.

I do spend time throughout my day looking for signs and synchronicities from the universe. Whenever I see a duplicated number or the word ‘Fernando’, I know I’m on the right path. Sometimes when I allow illness to shield and block my thoughts I forget that the universe has got my back and that everything happens for a reason, but it does and sometimes it’s writing it all down for me to see that helps me realise this. It’s proactively looking for a self comfort to remind me im on the right path

I literally spent all day yesterday taking photos of myself, making myself feel good and taking the time to acknowledge my thoughts, accepting them and letting the unnecessary ones go.

I’m trying to get back into my home routine of just being me, eating and enjoying my own time and company. With anorexia whenever there’s a small opening to take over, it’ll try. It’s weed it’s way in and then before you know it there’s an entire jungle in your mind. I’m really shit at keeping pretty plants and flowers alive so it’s only fitting that anorexia be an ever lasting weed.

I’d also been feeling lonely. Which is ironic because whenever I’m on social media I literally can’t move for the messages I get. But in my reality I felt a missing presence and longing for company. I realise now that I was missing myself as I’d become volatile, less attentive and more distracted. I quickly tried to remedy this and fortunately the love I’ve built toward myself hasn’t faltered, it’s still there. So this perhaps may be the quickest fix. This love for myself and my body and the fact through this last month of SHIT it hasn’t faltered proves to me how well I’m still doing and how much more live I’ve got left to live. This is only the beginning and the roads never straight but love and gratitude are two great emotions to harness and once i started to acknowledge and focus on those emotions things started to feel more aligned again for me.

My opinion on this ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ sort of post I’ve done here is that yes it’s ok not to be ok BUT ITS NOT OK TO NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. If you choose to sit and fester in your illness, your negativity, your bad situation or whatever then that’s you choosing to live it and choosing for it to be your life. If you’re getting help then you’re getting better and if you’re talking about it too then you’re getting better and giving better.

It really is all about what we do for ourselves; others can hold up the bridge but without the actual bridge THERE IS NO BRIDGE TO HOLD UP.

Love xoxox

And here’s the pics I took at the weekend that made me think ‘girl you need to start taking more photos of

yourself again cos ur gorge and we all need to see this’. and also pic of my bday party spread

I also had a birthday party. I find my birthday very difficult as growing up, and TIL last year, my core beliefs included ‘no one cares about me’ and my birthday always sort of proved that. So that added to my little down feeling stint, it really took it out of me. Even tho I had a party, the day after I still felt low. I still felt the effects of allowing anorexia into my mind. But I choose to look at the positives; I had a party, people came, we had fun, I ate pizza and cake and got presents and was entirely thankful for the event. And that’s what counts.

This was only meant to be a side note but I got carried away